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5:20 a.m. - 2003-04-16

UNCLE BOB...OPRAH. OPRAH...UNCLE BOB

So yesterday we have our first staff meeting since I came on board at the new job.

At my last job, staff meetings were very stoic. Nobody cracked a smile, nothing but business was discussed. The meetings were always filled with underlying tension because, as I quickly figured out, the people at my last job genuinely did not like or respect each other.

For the record, let me just say that I do not "hate" anyone from my former workplace. In fact, I liked just about everyone there, some more than others, sure. I tried to lay low on all the gossip that went around the place and tried not to pass judgement on anyone there. I'm sure that outside the workplace, they were all a bunch of fine people.

I'm just saying it was a strange place to work. I've been working for about 26 years now and have probably had 20 different jobs in those years. And I can honestly say that was the most dysfunctional workplace that I've ever been a part of. The only one there who had the universal respect of everyone there to the best of my knowledge, was the Chief Operating Officer who was one of the greatest men I've ever had the fortune of working under.

So anyway, after almost two years of strange staff meetings,I was expecting the same thing here.

What I got was a lot of laughter, some snarky comments about certain high-profile individuals and businesses in town and a relaxed, casual atmosphere where everyone tried to be funnier than the last person and often succeeded.

Gawd.

I was in H-E-A-V-E-N!

(Or H-E-L-L for those of you who are atheists)

During this meeting, I was assigned my first long term job.

Ready?

It is my job to get in touch with "The Today Show" and Oprah Winfrey and get them to bring their shows to town during a pretty big celebration that we're going to be having in two years.

It'll be the 50th anniversary of the day when a woman named Rosa Parks decided that she wasn't going to give up her bus seat to a white man, thus setting off a chain of events which later turned into the Civil Rights Movement.

I think Oprah would be all over that like...like...well...like Oprah all over a wheelbarrow full of barbecued pork chops.

So I'm excited.

I'm thinking about getting in touch with people at the History Channel as well to get them to do a documentary on it.

They may have already done one in the past, I'm not sure.

I don't watch the channel if I can help it.

Television should not be educational. It should be entertaining.

That's why they call it TELEvision.

Sheesh.


Alright, is everyone completely confused by the Flat Stanley/Flat Erryn thing yet?

Throw me in the confused line as well.

Let's make it "Flat Erryn" for now and forget that I ever mentioned "Flat Stanley".

While we're at it, forget I ever mentioned my first wet dream, Nosy Assed Neighbor, Pervy, my infatuation with Jim "Gomer Pyle" Nabors and Oprah wolfing down a wheelbarrow full of barbecued pork chops.

Thanks.


Star light, star bright.

First star I see tonight.

I wish I may, I wish I might.

Shit.

That's a fucking airplane.

(The first poem I ever wrote)


I just got an email while I was sitting here with the subject line "Stop paying for Live Sex Shows".

Man.

This computer is pretty smart if my email has now caught on to my indiscretions.


Susie finally did our taxes last night, finishing them about 7:00.

We've only had to pay taxes once in the 18 years we've been together.

We ALWAYS get money back.

At the beginning of 2003, I told Susie that we needed to get the tax forms filled out QUICKLY and get our money back QUICKLY because we were running out of money QUICKLY.

She agreed.

Before I go any further, my wife is one of the smartest women I know. She's extremely intelligent, graduated second out of a class of 800 students, has all these college degrees and rarely makes a bad decision.

I, on the other hand, am a borderline imbecile who's prone to scratching his ass and sniffing his fingers in public.

Therefore, it was wisely decided early on in our relationship that she be the one to fill out the taxes each year.

She agreed.

As smart as my wife may be, she's also a horrific procrastinator.

She won't do something until it absolutely HAS to be done.

One time, while I was out of town, she didn't change Andrew's diaper for three days until it was overflowing with poop. She only changed it then because he was leaking on to the floor.

Okay...that's a lie.

But still...you get my drift.

Anyway, she did the taxes last night.

We're getting close to two grand back.

I was so happy, I let my favorite little tax deduction watch "Monsters, Inc." again on the television in the den while I read.


That's it from me.

Keep on rockin' in the free world.

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