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5:48 a.m. - 2003-04-21

I MAY BE GOOFUS, BUT I'D DO ANYTHING TO BE GALLANT

I hope everyone had a "Hoppy" Easter this weeke...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!

Did you catch that?!?

I called it a "Hoppy" Easter?

Oh man...that is RICH, buddy!

That is COMEDY GOLD!!

Hoppy Easter!!!

Bwahahahahahaa!!!

Seriously, it doesn't get much funnier than that.

No really.

I'm serious.


For those of you sitting on the edge of your seats, awaiting the final verdict on whether Pervy has ball cancer or not, the results are in.

He does NOT have cancer.

What he DOES have is one less ball curled up in his shit-stained jockeys.

The doctors successfully removed his dead testicle and put a stitch in the other testicle to make sure it doesn't twist and turn from the rampant physical abuse that he puts his testicles through the four times a day he jerks them dry.

The doctor assured his parents that he will live a normal, healthy life with just one testicle.

That is, until the day that he is forced to spend his birthday money on a cheap hooker named Ethel, who is a bit dimwitted but has a heart of gold.

And as he stands before her in the cheap motel room in his jockeys, he'll be forced to explain that he's not like the thousands of men that she's had before him, he's a bit different.

His frank and beans are down to a frank and bean.

He'll then remove his torn and frayed jockeys, exposing his love hammer and marble as Ethel covers her mouth to hide the peals of laughter.

This will cause Pervy to get a bit pissy, at which time he will go on a shooting rampage, starting with Ethel and ending with everyone's favorite Uncle for making porn so accessible on my computer, leaving him with fresh images of Japanese cartoon girls with big eyes and abnormally large vulvas to take home and jack his nuts dry while in the privacy of his bedroom.

And then...there will be no more diary here.

Which is the REAL tragedy in all this.

So if any of you are dimwitted whores named Ethel, please take it easy on Pervy.

I don't wanna die.


"AHHHHH...PERVY!! Please don't shoot me! It was my Daddy making fun of you, not me!"

Actually, Andrew's not screaming, but boy...it sure looks like it, huh?

I dunno if you can tell, but the kid has some horrific mosquito bites on his head.

Here...

Can you see them there? One over his left eye, one on his left ear lobe?

No?

How about here?

No?

How about I just admit that I took some darling photos of my son Saturday night and just wanted to post them here to be a proud daddy and brag about how handsome he is, even with a faceful of bug bites?

Better?


Had an uneventful Easter yesterday.

Didn't go to church, but did tell one church member that it doesn't look like we'll ever come back to the church due to the hubbub going on there.

So we sat at home.

Had an Easter Egg Hunt in the backyard for Andrew. He found all the eggs, but it's not like the Easter Bunny made it difficult for him.

Everyone got nice presents for Easter. Andrew got a Dora the Explorer Book of Words, a Bear in the Big Blue House Live DVD, and a giant ball to play with.

...His cousin Pervy's dead ball!!

HA!!

(Comedy Gold, I'm tellin' ya!)

Mama got a Pancake Maker "As Seen on TV", so you know it has to be good. Plus a paper shredder since she's been wanting one for so long.

Daddy got the Family Guy DVD of Seasons 1 and 2.

God.

I loved me some "Family Guy". That show was sooooo funny.

Our Easter dinner was a lovely four course dinner from McDonalds.

And by "Four Course", I mean "Four Chicken McNuggets".

We went to Lowe's and bought some decorative mulch.

Because nothing says "Easter" like "Decorative Mulch".


For those of you who don't check my message board, there's no need to send any more Flat Erynns to the little girl who needed postcards.

She has won by a landslide, thanks to you guys and others.

Apparently, stacks of postcards have come in for Erynn and her teacher and class are overwhelmed.

She's now the coolest girl in her class.

We did good.

And my gal Jenne received a whopping $520 from you guys for breast cancer.

Words cannot describe the pride I take in the Diaryland community for banding together and doing the right thing for our fellow man.

I know I come off as crass and ignorant here 99 percent of the time, but truthfully it does my heart good to know that there are so many of you out there whose hearts are in the right place.

See?

I told you words can't describe it.

Thanks to all those that participated.

Y'all truly are the greatest.

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