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5:04 a.m. - 2003-04-30

IS THAT A PUDDLE ON YOUR CHAIR OR ARE YOU JUST GLAD TO ... HOLY SHIT!

Okay.

So I go to this luncheon yesterday, right?

And I'm sitting next to an old friend of mine that I've known for about six or seven years.

I hadn't seen her in a while and she's pregnant now.

So we're talking about her baby, it's a girl ... she's due June 13th ... it's been a wonderful pregnancy except up until today when she had a bit of discomfort.

She said "I just hope I can make it through May, because I have a very busy May coming up."

I'm all like "I'm sure you'll make it that far if you're not due until June 13th."

Then...just out of the blue, she says "Oh shit!"

Her water had just broken.

Now...keep in mind...I'm a guy. I have zero experience with women and their water breaking.

My wife had to have her water broken for her. I was told to leave the room while this procedure was done. I gladly accepted this challenge.

But I have never...I repeat ... NEVER been talking to a woman and her water breaks.

Naturally, I think this is a false alarm and my friend is either playing a joke on me or just wet her pants.

I learned fairly quickly that the water-breaking moment is something women don't normally joke about.

I think if I was a woman, I'd be joking about it constantly. Every time my husband was driving us anywhere, I'd have to blurt out at least one "OH SHIT!! MY WATER JUST BROKE!!" during the drive, just to watch him freak out on the highway.

Naturally, I'd let him know I was kidding once we got to the emergency room.

Ahhh...to be a pregnant woman.

I think I'd be a good pregnant woman.

Alas, this isn't about me and my dreams of getting a sex change and some ovaries, this is about my buddy.

So anyway, these three women jump up and run over to her side of the table and surround her.

"We need to get you to the bathroom!" they said.

"How about a hospital instead?" I suggested.

My suggestion was moot at this point because I had been born with a penis and knew nothing about water breaking.

So they try to get her up, and understandably, my friend is embarrassed because this is a mostly guy luncheon. And even though it's officially over, there's still about 25 guys standing around.

"This isn't going to be pretty" she said and told us guys to look away as she stood up.

You didn't have to tell me twice. I didn't know what to expect to see, but I knew I wasn't particularly fond of seeing it.

My buddy is asking for the women to find something to wrap around her waist because apparently her pants were soaked.

One of the women frantically grabs a garbage bag that one of the servers had handed her.

A clear garbage bag.

This made my buddy feel better, but she couldn't tell that they had just wrapped some clear plastic around her so she wasn't really hiding anything.

They got her to the bathroom where they must have had a smoke break or something. Because they were in there a long time.

Meanwhile, all these guys are standing around and just chit-chatting like nothing just happened.

I'm apparently way in touch with my feminine side. I didn't want to stand around and talk about baseball tournaments coming to town ... I wanted to go check on my friend.

One guy walks up to me and starts the whole "Sooo...who are you with?" crap that I've been getting bombarded with the last couple of weeks every time I show up for a luncheon or meeting or event.

I'm trying to hold a conversation with him with one eye on the women's bathroom and the other on him. I must have looked like Marty Feldman.

I see the women come out of the bathroom and they're asking for cell phones and purses and car keys and everything you could possibly need to birth a baby on the way to the hospital.

(Car keys make for amazing baby head tongs in situations like this)

I didn't get a chance to wish my friend "Good luck". I think at that moment, she just wanted to take her soaking wet butt out of there and get to the hospital and couldn't care less about my well wishes.

I really hope she's okay. To me, six weeks before the due date is a bit early.

But what do I know?

I'd use car keys to deliver a baby, fer chrissakes.

(UPDATE: I just got a call and she had the baby late last night...a little girl...4 lbs. something ounces...mother and baby are doing fine. Whew!!)


Speaking of babies, mine was so adorable yesterday.

I go to pick him up from daycare and everything's fine. Traffic's bad, but Andrew's cool.

I look in the rearview and he had passed out in his carseat. He never does this. Ever. At 5:30 in the afternoon, he's at his peak.

I guessed that he must have had a short nap so I get him home and he's still asleep.

I lay him down on the couch and decide to let him nap for 30 minutes. It's 6:00 and I do not want to be up until 2 a.m. with him if he were to sleep any longer than 30 minutes.

At 6:30, I go to wake him up.

He won't budge.

I shake his arms and legs.

Nothing.

I play his favorite music.

He doesn't stir.

I tickle his feet.

He's not moving.

Finally, I just start gently shaking the kid saying "Andrew, get up. Andrew, wake up. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew."

His eyes slowly open and he freaks out.

He has no idea where he's at, which was so funny to watch. He bolted upright, got on his hands and knees and started wandering around the couch, trying to figure out where he was. Because the last thing he remembered, he was in his car seat. Now he's on the couch and he never sleeps on the couch.

Anyway, it was funny to watch him all disoriented.

You know...until he started crying from the disorientation.

And then he wouldn't stop crying.

For an hour.

At that point, it really wasn't funny anymore.

Next time I'm waking him up in his car seat.

Screw this late afternoon napping crap.

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