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4:47 a.m. - 2003-05-01

MORE CLASSIC BOB?!? OH JOY!!

'Sup?

I overslept.

This presents a problem. Basically, I don't have time to update you guys on my thrilling life.

Well, I do.

A) I went to a restaurant I had never heard of for lunch yesterday and it was kinda good, but kinda crappy. It was in the basement of a rundown hotel and it frightened me somewhat to be there.

B) Susie worked late last night, came home and got on the telephone for 3 hours straight successfully ignoring both the son and me.

C) I met a person who used to work for the company that I just left who had all sorts of horror stories about the place and wanted to share them with me. I walked away shocked and wanting to cry.

D) I actually enjoyed "Fraternity Life" last night for a change.

That's it.

Soooo..if you want more to read, here's some classic Bob from three years ago today.

Some background for this exciting entry ... I was still working at the newspaper and was on a several day-long quest to take pictures of smart kids from all over the city. I was going to school after school trying to get kids to smile long enough for a photo.

And I start babbling about a "secret diary" that I swore I wasn't writing, but I really was.

It was the Brad Pitt diaries that I was writing.

And I mention that I could get sued for what I was doing or something.

And Brad Pitt's lawyers sent me a threatening letter, preparing to sue me if I didn't stop writing it.

So it's gone now.

But man...was that REALLY three years ago?

Time flies.

Anyway...here ya go:

PUTTING THE RUMORS TO REST...SOMEWHAT...

At the risk of alienating half of my audience (the sullen, lazy half) ... today's teens need a well-planted kick in the ass.

As I've stated earlier, I've spent the last two work days going to local schools and taking pictures of students who ... for lack of a better term...need to eat a hefty dose of shit to wipe those nasty assed smirks off of their fucking faces.

...Oh sure... I could have come up with a better term...just didn't feel like it.

These are all students who are apparently smarter than the average student, according to one teacher who hovered over her surly students.

"Chris here got a 900 on his SAT," she smiled proudly.

Chris looked like he had just been told he was going to have his penis surgically removed before he could ever use it in a social situation.

"Wow...that's great," I lied. "I only got a 600 on my SAT."

Fuck if I remember what I got on my SAT. Sorry kids...SAT scores don't amount to SHIT in real life.

Just a friendly tip from your Unca Bawb.

After small talk was made about how brilliant Chris was and how he was basically a social retard, I asked Chris where he would like to have his picture taken around the school.

"I dunno," he mumbled, trying to be cool.

Here's the three things I wanted to say to him at this point:

1) "WELL YOU'D BETTER THINK OF SOME PLACE QUICKLY, YOU SCUMFUCK BEFORE I BEAT THE HOLY SHIT OUTTA YOU!!!"

2) "Look Chris...I've been taking pictures of kids since early Friday morning. You're the last kid I have to take a picture of. Now...if you want to do me a favor, you will FUCKING THINK OF SOME PLACE QUICKLY, YOU RATBALL SUCKER OR I'M GOING TO BEAT THE HOLY SHIT OUTTA YOU!!!"

3) "Did you ever work at Circuit City?"

Luckily, Chris came to his senses before I had to run to the car and get the numchucks out and tear him a new rectum and we went outside and took a photo by the school sign.

The school sign provided me with a chuckle. It said "May 5th...Teacher Appreaton Day".

Ummmm...shouldn't that be "Appreciation"?

The teacher was a little embarrassed about that sign. I laughed so hard I choked.

There was a teacher at another school who was really trying my patience.

She said "I brought you a photo and story last week...are you going to use it?"

I stared at her long and hard. She obviously did not bring ME the story and picture, because I had never seen her before in my life.

Finally, I said, "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but I think you have me confused with someone else. I've never met you before."

She swore we met last Thursday at the office. And finally I remembered her coming into the office and handing me something that I think I threw in the trash.

Boy, was my face red.

Well...not literally. I mean...there was no blood, strawberry jam or spaghetti sauce on it.

But I was slightly embarrassed.

Which is what I meant to say anyway.

So I apologized, told her it had been a long day and my dealer hadn't come through with that crack he had promised me, hence my slow response period between questions.

She sympathized with me and offered to loan me her crack pipe. So we went in a broom closet, toasted a rock and then had sex amongst the cleaning supplies.

No wonder schools in Alabama are sucking.

Ummmm...that was a joke. A stupid, unfunny joke. But a joke nevertheless.

I am STILL having trouble downloading the song "This Corrosion" by Sisters of Mercy off of Napster.

My boy Icebear sent me an email saying he would keep connected to Napster all day and let me download the song from him.

Well...WHERE THE HELL ARE YA, ICEMAN?!?!?

HMMMM?????

I BE LOOKING ALLLLLL OVER FOR YOU MAN!!!!

I have LITERALLY downloaded the song ten different times and each time the connection shuts down or the shit starts going backwards where the little "Time Remaining" clock goes from "50 minutes" to "September".

One of my all-time favorite party bands Mel and the Party Hats used to play the song during their sound checks. So everytime I hear the song now, I get all tingly and my little fake penis starts hopping up and down like a pathetic Mexican jumping bean.

I'm the original Pavlov's Dog, baby.

Anyway...all the other songs are downloading fine. Just this one tough little booger is giving me fits and has been since yesterday.

I've tried downloading it from numerous people on the web and haven't got a full version of the song yet.

I'm beginning to get pissy. You just THOUGHT I was pissy before.

Oh...oh...I'll show you pissy, Missy.

Hehehehe.

C'mere. I need a hug.

*SQUEEEEZE*

And finally...for all those people that think I have nothing better to do with my time than start a second SECRET diary .... so sorry to disappoint you super sleuths...but isn't it perfectly acceptable that MAYBE someone else in Diaryland has a sense of humor similar to your sick Uncle Bob's??

Just because there's another diary on Diaryland that has a mysterious author and SEEMS like it could have been written by me doesn't mean that it WAS written by me.

Heheheheh.

...You gullible fools.

Then again...maybe I DO HAVE a secret diary out there.

A diary that's generating more interest lately than this one.

A diary that's sucking the creative life out of me on a daily basis.

A diary that could eventually get me sued.

A diary that many of you may have already seen and either loved or hated.

A diary that could quite possibly make your groin stir.

Then again...maybe not.

TEE HEE!!

I guess we'll never know.

Oh...and the diary in question?

It's NEVER received a plug from me on this site and won't ever receive one.

That's why they call them...

..................

.........secret diaries.....

MWAH!!!!!

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