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5:02 a.m. - 2003-05-07

HELP MOMMY! THERE'S AN AMERICAN IDOL UNDER MY BED!

I dunno if you guys have seen it or not, but there's this new show on TV called "American Idol".

I caught bits and pieces of it last night after trying to watch "The Funniest Goddamned Game Show Moments Ever And We're Totally Serious This Time" and being completely let down by the concept.

I mean...how many times can you watch that Newlywed Game clip where Bob Eubanks asks the ladies "What is the one thing your husband refuses to let you put on his wiener?" and the lady says "Oh! Ben Gay!"

Ladies...he means "Hot Dog". Not "penis". Sheesh! Get your minds out of the gutter, this is the Newlywed Game!

So anyway, I flip over to Fox because I started watching this "Idol" thing when the season first began and got a kick out of watching all these horrible losers trying to get on the show.

Then it got down to people with talent and that got boring. All the losers were eliminated.

Then they canned the hot chicks from the show and there was no eye candy left on the show.

But they're down to four people now so I figured what the hell? At least now I can tell them apart.

And I'm here to tell you ... if one of these four is our next American Idol ... then Celine Dion can quit sweating.

(O Celine...thou willst always be my personal American Idol!)

First I caught the Marine guy. He'll never be an American Idol.

First, he sings like a possessed hound dog.

Second, it'd be like trying to mold Curly from the Three Stooges into a sex symbol. Teenage girls are NOT going to be going to bed each night with a pillow between their legs, dreaming of marrying this jughead.

I agree with Simon on this one ... you're one dreadful slab o' fuck, Marine Boy. Now pack up your candy ass and go defend our country.

You've got the chick. The portly Nubian princess. Sorry Sweetie. We've already got one Aretha Franklin and that's enough. We don't need Aretha Jr. ... especially one who sounds like a small child choking on a wire coat hanger when she sings.

Then there's Crazy Fucked-Up Guy. I think they call him "Clay". I remember this guy from the beginning because he was one of the few people who could actually sing ... but he had that look that just begged people to kick the living shit out of him. He looked like a computer nerd who had quietly slipped away from a marathon Dungeons and Dragons session to come audition for the show.

Well now he's gone to the trouble of having a makeover done on himself so he still looks like a nerd, but he's trying desperately to look hip.

Sorry dude. You're going to have to lop off those bunny ears before I can squash this incessant urge to pummel the bejeezus out of you.

I'll hand it to the guy. He CAN sing. I mean ... he's no Uncle Bob in the talent department ... but he can at least carry a tune which is more than I can say for Marine Boy.

Then you've got Big 'Un.

Ruben is his name. It's short for Reuben. And they only call him Reuben because he's eaten so many of the goddamned sandwiches that his pores emit the faint scent of spoiled sauerkraut. His real name is Chuck.

I'm sorry, but is America really searching for an idol that can intimidate grizzly bears?

Send this fat bastard on tour and watch the stages crumble in his wake.

He is B-I-G. Abnormally big. It's like McDonalds has just went ahead and Super-Sized his entire fucking life.

Ruben's buddies bring him a snack backstage

Once again, and believe me, I'm trying my best not to be cruel here ... but aren't "American Idols" supposed to be the type of person that you go to bed and fantasize about?

Or have I just wasted a year of masturbatory fantasies all over Kelly Clarkson's sweet, sweet face?

Point me in the direction of just one woman who would go to bed and tickle the beef while thinking about Ruben?

Ladies?

Anyone wanna step up to the plate and admit they'd take a chance at being buried alive under Ruben's naked flesh while he skankified you?

No?

My point exactly.

But the big ol' bitch can sing.

Holy shit ... this guy has got it going on in the singing department.

Which really throws me for a loop. On the one hand, he's got the image of a guy who eats sumo wrestlers for breakfast, but then again, he's got more talent than the other three contestants combined.

I tried to think of any other big men who had ever been a singing sensation.

I came up with Barry White and Luther Vandross, but Luther only in the years 1985, 1987, 1989, 1991, 1994, 1996, 1999 and 2001. The years in-between those were when he looked like Michael Jackson.

If I were a betting man, I'd be homeless right now. But I'm going to go with Ruben to take the crown.

And then promptly eat it slathered in ranch dressing.

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