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5:27 a.m. - 2003-05-15

DON'T GO SEE THE MATRIX

(Contains spoilers)

So I'm sitting there on the couch and watching "American Idol" when an old buddy calls.

"Bobbo," he says. "I've got two tickets to the sneak preview of The Matrix tonight and my wife can't go. You in?"

Now I really liked the first Matrix and thought I'd go see this one once the hoopla died down.

But a free ticket to the sneak preview?

COUNT ME IN!!

Bottom line...the new Matrix sucks horse turds.

The plot is so convoluted that none of it makes sense. Apparently Keanu Reeves somehow gets pregnant with a bunch of little computer chips inside of him which was totally ignorant.

There's one scene that was pretty cool. He's in the delivery room and they're having to do a C section because even though he's Keanu Reeves...SURPRISE! No vagina.

These little tiny Keanu Reeves lookalikes come bursting out of his gut...and they all have black coats and sunglasses on which was beyond stupid.

But the camera kinda stopped frame and spun around like it does with about 80 percent of the movie so you see all angles of these 11 or 12 miniature Keanus bursting out of his gut.

The movie would only be about 10 minutes long if it wasn't for that stupid camera trick where it circles around people in freeze frame. After about the 100th time it does it, you just want to scream "We get it! We know!"

Then, for no reason, Keanu gets a job as a guy who cleans up radio stations at night, but he's on some secret special mission, trying to get into the head of the late night deejay, who is ironically played by the same guy who played Johnny Fever on "WKRP in Cincinatti".

I know. I was thinking the same thing. "Isn't that bloated sack of spoiled pork dead yet?"

Nope. He's the star of the new Matrix.

They have a big battle at the end which is alright, but you have to realize...the deejay is pushing 70 years old and they have him doing all the flips and shit that Keanu always does. You'd think with a movie this big, they could have afforded someone other than the guy that played Johnny Fever on "WKRP in Cincinatti", but nope. There he is on the big screen, and he's basically the same laid-back character that he was on the show.

Anyway, the movie really, really, really sucked and if you have already bought advance tickets, I feel sorry for you. Most of the people in the theater walked out after about an hour of this twisted shit and those that stayed booed HEAVILY at the end. I feel sorry for the people that had to clean the theater up because the audience were throwing soft drinks at the screen and screaming how they wanted their money back.

So yeah...you might enjoy it if you really like shitty movies with bad actors and no plot.

But I didn't.


Alright fine.

I didn't go see the Matrix.

I'm just trying to spread negative press about it early on in hopes of derailing the movie.

Truth is...I tried to watch the first one and made it about 30 minutes into the film before I turned it off out of boredom.

And you could press the cold end of a .44 magnum on my mama's temple and demand I go see this film or you blow my Mom's brains out all over the room and I'd blow my mama a kiss goodbye, because I have zero interest in seeing this shit.

You see ... it's science fiction. Let's break that down, hokay?

Science was the class in school that all the nerds and geeks liked. The dweebs were on the fringe with whether to like science or math. But you always knew that if a nerd or a geek was interested in science, there was a good chance they were going to be getting their asses kicked on a regular basis.

I hated science in school and did my best to whoop ass on anyone that showed any interest in knowing the table of elements.

So liking science is bad enough in my book.

Science fiction is for people that can't get enough real science in their lives, so they have to have crazy stories that revolve around science made up to get all sucked into so they can feel superior to others and use terms like "It's ultrasparkely!" and "By cracky ... that's sciencelicious!"

To recap ... I hate science. And I hate fiction that revolves around things scientific.

Therefore I hate science fiction.

Thus, you won't catch me fondling myself uncontrollably as I wait in line for the 10 p.m. showing of the new Matrix movie like billions of nerdy geeks will be doing this weekend.

Why?

Duh.

Because, and hold on to your hats, kids ... Uncle Bob is too cool for that shit.


Tee hee!


So anyway, yeah, I'm watching "American Idol" last night and there were two connections to Uncle Bob on there.

Yeppers.

First, Kimberly Locke went back to her hometown of Gallatin, Tennessee.

I lived in Hendersonville which is about five miles from Gallatin. Gallatin was our rivals in school sports. My sister later lived in Gallatin and taught school there, so technically, she could have been Kimberly's teacher.

Second, Reuben went home to Birmingham which is about 90 miles north of me now.

He went on a Fox morning show, "Good Morning Alabama" which is hosted by a friend of my evil friend Wendigo, whom I've met on a few occasions. They showed him dancing with Reuben and a few other people.

So that was pretty cool.

Cooler than watching Keanu Reeves battle Dr. Johnny Fever, that's for sure.


Oh...and who DIDN'T know that Kimberly would be voted out?

I think Reuben should get it, but he's got the charisma of a dead frog when he's not singing.

Clay is a bit too smarmy for my tastes. All the winking and crap just makes my skin crawl.

And personally, I think I'm a better singer than all of them.

And I'm definitely a better showman.

I should have been American Idol.

Next year, baby.

Uncle Bob...American Idol.

You wait and see.


Know how I've always said that there's no worst smell in the world than a grilled cheese sandwich being cooked?

I found one worse than that last night.

A BURNING grilled cheese sandwich that Mama forgot to take off the stove that fills the house with the wretched smoke of flaming cheese.

This morning my house still smells like moldy donkey placenta.

Jeebie? I'd like you to meet Heebie. Heebie...Jeebie.


I've got to go hand out awards to the winners of a softball tournament this morning in the pouring rain.

I was told yesterday to NOT do this nonchalantly as these are young, impressionable children who need encouragement as to how great they are and what an achievement it is to have won this tournament.

That's just great. I was going to shake their hands and say "Put down the bat and pick up a book, you classless moron" to each of them.

Now I've got to come up with something new to say.

Shit.

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