MEMORIAL DAY IS FOR PEOPLE WITH DECENT MEMORIES

In honor of Memorial Day here in America, I would like to take a moment to reflect on some of my most lame memories.

Some of these may have been shared in this space before. Hell if I know. It's not like I keep track of the shit I write here on little index cards so I can go back and say "Dammit! I already mentioned the time I got my penis stuck in the vacuum cleaner hose and had to have Mom help me get it loose!"

This was originally supposed to be 100 memories. It's now 23 memories. I'll get around to posting the other 77 memories at a later date.

Happy Memorial Day everyone!! Remember things!!

1)The first time I was ever pulled over by a cop, I was driving with my feet out the window, trying to impress two hot babes in the car with me. Nobody was impressed. Not even the cop. I didn't get a ticket though.

2)The first fight I ever had was when I was six. I fought Randy Hardin in a cornfield. Actually, I pushed him down and sat on him. I went home and felt horrible about it and cried while I told my parents.

3)I shit my pants one time when I was seven and was too embarrassed to tell my parents until Mom stripped me down and found the evidence.

4)I was six when my dog Freckles was killed by a speeding driver on our street. Mom cried and cried. I asked her to "hold it down" while I watched my afternoon cartoons. I couldn't be bothered to mourn while cartoons were on.

5)I loved cheese as a child. I will not eat it now.

6)I found a nudist camp magazine in a ditch when I was about eight. I hid it in a storm drain and all us kids would bicycle to the storm drain and take turns passing it around.

7)I convinced my parents that I hated peaches as a child because Mom had prepared it for desert one night and I wanted something else. I secretly liked them and got enough of them in the school cafeteria. It's a lie that I still lead today.

8)This was one of my favorite toys as a child. I used to suck the respective heads.

9)When I was around six, I played "house" with a seven year-old cousin of mine where we hid in a closet and pulled our pants down and rubbed up against each other. Years later I found out that's how babies were born and I was convinced that eventually my cousin was going to tell me she was pregnant with my baby.

10)When we were teenagers, out of the blue one day she asked me if I remembered doing that. I said I did. I was ashamed to admit that I remembered. Nothing else was ever said about it.

11)On a car trip in the backseat, I convinced my sister that when we went through a tunnel and she closed her eyes and made a wish, a fairy would come and grant her wish. She closed her eyes and I sprinkled the contents of a sugar packet in her hair. I got in pretty big trouble for that.

12)Throughout my teen years, I used to lock myself in my room and play air guitar along with my KISS records for hours.

13)I dropped out of college and was homeless when I was 20 years old. I could have went home to Mom and Dad, but it wouldn't have matched the fun I was having.

14)While homeless, I met a girl named Cindy in a bar and she took me home with her. I stayed there for three months until she came home late one night and told me she was late because she had been screwing a co-worker. I acted all indignant, packed up my stuff and left. But secretly, I was ready to move on anyway.

15)By the time I was 18, I had written lyrics to over 1,000 songs. I left the majority of the notebooks in a guy's closet in Tennessee and have never seen them since.

16)When I was a senior in high school, I was in a 24 hour dance-a-thon for MDA with a girl who acted like she hated my guts but I think secretly she liked me.

17)I saw a UFO while out jogging one night during my senior year. A series of lights in the sky zigzagged across the sky, dropped down a bit and then vanished. Nobody's ever going to believe that I saw this, so I don't even try to convince people anymore.

18)When I was 14, I knocked my baby sister's front teeth out on accident on her first day of school.

19)By the time I was a teenager, my parents had hired a maid named Sophie. All I remember about her is that I hated the way she folded my socks.

20)I once slept with a girl in college because my former girlfriend admitted that she found the girl attractive.

21)In the fifth grade, I was picked to represent my school on a radio program that would be asking today's youth about the Vietnam War. I knew nothing about the Vietnam War and thus had nothing to say. I think I said that war was bad because that's what I had heard.

22)I have never worn glasses or braces.

23)My family was the first family in our neighborhood with a VCR and cable television. We also had a jukebox in our gameroom and I thought that was the coolest thing of all time. Dad sold the house and had to include the jukebox as part of the deal. I don't think I ever got over that. I hate you Father. I hope you have the most miserable Memorial Day ever. And that bitch assed wife of yours too.