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5:17 a.m. - 2003-05-28

THE BISCUITS ARE ALREADY IN A JAM

To make a long story short ...

About five weeks ago, I'm in the office of the girl who manages the Visitor Center for our town.

I'm leaving her office and there's two boxes near her door.

"What are these?" I ask because I have no tact and have to have my nose in everyone's business.

"Those are boxes," she says, as if I'm mentally handicapped.

"I can see that, dumbass," I say because we're friends. "What's inside them?"

"They were delivered here by mistake," she says. "They were supposed to go to the Baseball Store."

"Ooooo," I say, because I coo more than I talk at times. "I bet these are full of merchandise for the new baseball team that our city is getting that we're not supposed to look at!"

(Sidenote: The name of this team has been a huge closely-guarded secret. They will start playing in a new state-of-the-art stadium next April)

I look at the box and see some writing on the box in magic marker. The first half of the word is covered up by a mailing label, but I see "CUITS".

"I bet they've named the team 'The Biscuits'," I joke.

"Ha ha," the girl laughs. "That would be so funny if they named the team the Biscuits!"

"Ha ha," I laugh back. "I agree totally!"

So I go back to my office and start a running joke that will last roughly five weeks. That joke being that the name of the new team coming to town is, in fact, the Biscuits.

About two weeks ago, the owner of the team stomps into our office, furious that we are apparently leaking out the name of the baseball team.

"No," my boss, the coolest boss in the world says. "We've just had a joke around the office that you guys have named the team 'The Biscuits'."

The owner tugs at her collar, breaks into a cold sweat and stammers "Well...uhhhh...well...uhhhh...it's not the Biscuits!!"

And storms back out.

Do I even HAVE to finish this story?

For the sake of those of you who have trouble drawing conclusions, I'll continue.

Last week we have our big Music Festival in the streets of Montgomery. On Friday night, the new name of the baseball team is to be revealed on the biggest of the four stages in front of thousands of people.

Earlier on Friday, the local paper said that there's a good chance that the team MAY be called....yep....the Biscuits.

Commence shitting of the pants.

I go to my boss in total freak-out mode and say "They ARE naming the team the Biscuits!!!"

She freaks out. Everyone in the office freaks out. No wonder the owner of the team was freaking out.

Our little joke for the last four weeks had been a reality after all.

On the 6:00 news, all three local news programs were reporting that the team was probably going to be called the Biscuits.

That night, in front of thousands of people, one of our local deejays gets on stage and says in his most enthusiastic voice that the name of the new baseball team that we've been waiting for years on ... is called....THE BISCUITS!!!

Stunned f'n silence.

Thousands of people.

Stunned f'n silence.

A few people started cheering.

Thousands started booing.

The people on stage trotted out a big anteater looking mascot as the videotrons above showed a cartoon biscuit dancing around.

And the people HATED it.

The last poll I saw had 90% of the local citizens hating the name.

Seven percent like it.

Three percent are undecided.

I've had over a month to toy with the idea. In my running jokes, I came up with all these marketing scenarios for a team called the Biscuits.

You could have a Biscuit Eating Contest. Whoever eats the most biscuits in five minutes wins a car.

Or a Biscuit toss. Whoever could throw a biscuit the furthest wins a car.

You could give rubber squeezee biscuits to kids on Rubber Biscuit night. Have Dan Akyroyd and Jim Belushi come to town as the Blues Brothers and perform "Rubber Biscuit". I dunno.

We had a staff meeting yesterday and the boss said that our official position is to support the team and its name.

I already do.

I think it has a lot of potential.

Everyone else is threatening a boycott of the name and the game and the city.

It's gotten quite ugly around here to say the least.

But the important thing is ... for the last five days, all people are talking about around here is the Biscuits.

And I've been talking about them for five weeks now.

If you'd like to see the official website, go to www.biscuitsbaseball.com

I'd provide a link, but I don't want it being linked to this site for obvious reasons.

And remember...

DOOOOOOOOUGH BISCUITS!!!

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