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4:27 a.m. - 2003-07-11

SOUTH AMERICA AND YOU: A CHILDREN'S GUIDE TO APPRECIATING COCAINE

I'm ...well ... I'm not really putting my diet on hold ... but I'm trying to decide whether to go on the Atkins Diet or the South Beach Diet.

The Atkins Diet's been around for 30 years and has proven results while South Beach seems much newer.

But the South Beach diet lets you smoke weed and eat peanut butter straight from the jar.

And cavort with prostitutes with broken teeth.

Thus ... I'm naturally leaning toward South Beach.

...Due to my penchant for snaggletoothed whores.


Wendigo and I went to lunch at Ruby Tuesday's yesterday because I knew I had to eat a salad but there was no way in Hell I was going back to freakin' Wendy's who are quickly gaining a reputation as one of the worst fast food joints imaginable.

I love Ruby Tuesday's salad bar. It's one of the few salad bars I've ever seen where everything looks fresh and they really go out of their way to keep it clean.

Plus, they've got a lot of items on it.

I mean...c'mon! They've got SUNFLOWER SEEDS!!

So we get there and the girl wants to start us off with an appetizer or some expensive drinks.

We order water.

She grimaces and thinks "Two cheapskates".

It's true. It's a scientific fact. If you order water in a restaurant, your level of service drops about eight tiers.

If Wendy's served water, the employees would shoot every customer who ordered it.

You know...since their service sucks shit to begin with.

So then she brings us our water and asks what we'll be having.

Two salad bars.

Another grimace, punctuated with a loud groan and our service plummets 16 levels.

So we get our salads and we're enjoying a riveting conversation about how much Wendigo hates her job at times (she had to go to a grand opening of a Chick Fil A earlier in the morning where they plugged her full of Chicken sandwiches. I know...waaaaaaaah!!).

The waitress comes back over and said "Did you two ladi......people find everything on the salad bar okay?"

Wait a second.

Are you insinuating that because I ordered water and a salad I'm less than masculine, Missy?

The nerve!

I felt like saying "Step off, bitch! If I had my way, I'd be eating a steak and guzzling Heineken over here!"

...Calling me a lady.

THE NERVE!

(Does anybody really say "The nerve" out loud anymore when they're upset with someone? I mean ... I don't. Just curious).

So then, Wendigo and I are still gabbing and she says that she would like to someday go back to a full-time writing job.

I gagged.

I said there's no way I'd ever want to write professionally again.

I guess I just got severely burned out on it.

Kinda like when you do enough cocaine and eventually the wall between your nostrils disintegrates, leaving you with one big gaping nostril like Yasmine Bleeth?

Alright...fine. It's nothing like that. I just like typing the words "Yasmine Bleeth" every now and then.

I think it's been long enough (six years or so) since Wendigo wrote full time, so that's why she misses it.

Me?

It's been three months.

And I don't miss it in the least.

So I said "The only way I'd write professionally again is if it was something I was passionate about."

I then foolishly said something that I had pondered a few weeks ago while mowing the yard.

"I thought about maybe shutting down Uncle Bob in Diaryland and starting my own website and charging people to read me."

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!

First off ... how pompous and arrogant is that when it is actually said out loud to another human being?

Sure, it makes for idle chitchat in your head while you're walking around your yard in a big square.

But to actually say "You know that half-assed horseshit I roll out of bed every morning and puke out onto my keyboard? Yeah, I'm thinking about charging people to read it" takes massive balls.

Wendigo was polite and didn't choke on her salad from laughter.

She just quietly said that things like that don't normally work out like you planned.

She left out the part about how if I relied on people to pay me to read Uncle Bob as a means of steady income, my child would starve and my electricity would be cut off within hours.

I'll admit ... it was a pretty dumb thing to say out loud.

And I'm sure there's a few of you out there who would be more than willing to pay to read my crap.

But I'd probably have to charge you like $12,000/year to make up for all those who would just chuckle at my audacity and go read Bingoguy instead.


Alright, it's beginning to get a bit light out, so I'm off to do my two mile walk.

I want to do it earlier than normal today, because when I do it at 6 a.m., there's a bunch of people out walking who aren't nice to me.

Specifically, two women who I walk right past each morning.

I always say "Morning!" which is cool walking guy lingo for "Good morning, ladies".

They don't even LOOK at me.

So I'm sick of saying "Morning" to them, but I feel like it's detrimental to the Walking Guy's Creed which states "When walking early in the morning, one must greet other walker's with a hearty 'Morning!' to let them know that you're not there to drug them, shove them in your car trunk and mutilate their bodies in a cotton field somewhere in Mississippi."

These women obviously haven't read the Creed.

Which gives me the willies because every time I see them, I can imagine them hacking off my limbs while Mississippi cotton pickers stand around aimlessly and go "Lawdy! Them women sho' know how to dismantle a fat guy!"

Soooo...I'm getting an early start on my walk this morning.

Peace out.

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