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5:36 a.m. - 2003-07-21

NATIONAL LAMPOON'S HILLBILLY VACATION

Yeah.

So anyway...

Met Miss Alabama last week. Pretty girl.

I asked my boss what she thought would happen if I walked up to her and said "Can I please kiss you on the lips?"

The boss said that Miss Alabama's job is to make the state proud and that even though it's not necessarily a law, she's probably required to kiss me on the lips.

I didn't kiss her on the lips.

But I did get a hickey and a hand job.

So all is not lost.


My cousin and his wife got to town last Wednesday and we hung out until yesterday morning.

That was great.

I saw my cousin for about two hours in 1996. Before that, I hadn't seen him since 1983.

He's gained some weight and lost some hair.

Not nearly as much as me though.

He informed me that my grandfather was a raging alcoholic who smeared his own feces on the walls of his home while drunk.

Which would explain a lot behind this diary, huh?


But the REAL reason you're here today, teetering dangerously on the edge of your seat ... we had the in-laws over yesterday.

From 1 p.m. until 10 p.m. last night, I had 15 "people" in this house. I say "people" because some of these in-laws are obviously the product of a human and a chimp.

I had gone to the grocery store to buy 30 hamburgers and 20 hot dogs.

Your jaw drops as you say "50 hamburgers and hot dogs for 15 people?!?"

...You obviously don't know my in-laws.

The first kid in line at the buffet sets the pace for the other kids. He just turned 18 and crams three hamburgers and two hot dogs on his plate.

If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'.

The next kid ... Pervy ... goes with two hamburgers and two hot dogs.

And this pattern goes on and on and on.

When I was growing up, my parents taught me that when you're a guest in someone else's home, you don't scarf down all the food before everyone else gets theirs.

And you certainly don't make a pig of yourself. You're polite and eat a little and THEN if there's food left over, you go back for what we used to call "seconds".

Not these kids.

Luckily, I had the common sense to buy more food than was necessary to feed 15 normal people.

Because I thought Susie and I could eat the leftovers for the next few days.

They. Ate. Every. Single. Thing.

I know that all total, the 18 year-old ate four hamburgers and four hot dogs. Because he bragged about his gluttony for several hours afterwards.

This, of course, caused the rest of the family to hoot appreciatively each time he belched this fact out.

The kicker?

My sister-in-law never even got a hamburger or hot dog.

She was feeding her grandson ... why, I don't know. When Andrew was a year and a half old, he fed himself.

By the time she was finished feeding him, her kids had polished off the entire platter of food without making sure she had any food.

I barely felt sorry for her because she's been a member of this family all her life and if she hasn't figured out by now that these "people" will eat each other's arms in order to satisfy their hunger and that she'd better grab her food while she can ... then she doesn't deserve to eat.

Plus, she ate the rest of my delicious Cajun Ribs that were leftover from Saturday.

A slab and a half of ribs.

She liked them.

A lot.

She let us know this by cranking out some particularly heinous farts at the dinner table.

Which, of course, left the in-laws in stitches like they were extras in "National Lampoon's Hillbilly Vacation".


You're probably wondering to yourself ... gee, Uncle Bob...speaking of your sister-in-law's grandson...how is that little illegitimate bastard?

Well, he's apparently got one hell of a temper and he likes to cry a lot for no other reason than the fact that his teenage mother wouldn't stop smoking crack while she was pregnant with him.

I mean...c'mon! Let it go, kid!! That was almost two years ago!

Strangely enough ... he and Andrew played quite nicely together. They went to Andrew's playroom and the only time they fought was when the bastard child kept stealing Andrew's little plastic broom.

Kids apparently LOVE brooms.

My sister-in-law was a bit perplexed because even though they've been in town a week and the baby's parents stayed home in Texas all week so they could finally have some hot sex and not be interupted by a family member ... neither the teenage mother or father had called to check on their son all week.

This baby is SO unwanted by its parents. He was an accident and really threw their lives out of whack.

Kids...one word ... condoms.

If you're not ready for a baby or marriage or a high school diploma....use 'em.


My other sister-in-law (Pervy's Mom) solidified her standing as the laziest woman on Earth.

While all the adults pitched in with slicing tomatoes or onions, making iced tea, setting the table, whatever ... she sat on her fat, greasy ass watching TV and didn't even offer to help once.

But man ... as soon as the dinner bell rang ... that lazy ass rocked herself off the couch and knocked several of the smaller kids out of her way to get her place in the food line.

She ate three hamburgers.

Unlike the rest of the family, she didn't wear this fact like a badge of honor.

But I kept track.

Lazy hamburger-mongering bitch.


Somebody screwed up my computer yesterday.

Before they all got here, the computer worked fine.

Now it keeps saying that I'm missing some files and my virus scan isn't working properly.

Thanks in-laws!

Thanks for getting here and making a beeline to the computer in order to check out whatever the hell it was you were checking out.

(Ironically ... nobody was looking for porn yesterday. Yes, I about cried with pride when I heard the news too)

After they all left, I told Susie that while I don't mind my family and friends looking at the computer, her family always gets on the computer and starts to tweak the computer's settings, trying to make it run faster or arranging the way it works to their liking.

(Meaning my no-good, $1,100-owing, computer-screwing, asshole brother-in-law)

Susie didn't respond.

Because apparently, I threw out some of her S0uthern L!ving merchandise while cleaning the house 10-12 days ago and we just found that out yesterday.

Look.

I thought the boxes were empty, dammit.

So she's still not speaking to me because I told her "If you would just put all your important products in one room instead of leaving them scattered throughout the house, this wouldn't happen."

Yup.

That's the way to make her happy again ... blame her for me throwing out her merchandise.

Anyway...I've got to go see if she's still not speaking to me.

My money is on me getting a kick in the balls when I say "Good morning".

Let's go see...

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