ASSLOADS OF CRAP

Two elderly ladies are riding in a car down the road.

Myrtle, the lady driving, runs a red light.

Esther, the passenger, starts to say something about the red light, but decides against it.

A few blocks later, Myrtle runs another red light. Esther bites her tongue again but starts thinking that something's wrong.

Myrtle runs another red light and narrowly misses getting side swiped by another car. This time, Esther can't hold it in any longer.

"Jesus S. Smith!" Esther says. "You almost got us killed back there, Myrtle! You've run three red lights! What's wrong with you!"

Myrtle says "Oh. Am I driving??"

Sorry.

But any joke that points out the shitty way old people drive cracks me up.

No in-laws last night. Susie went to visit them at Grandma's.

She actually went up there to retrieve a futon that she had to take to a friend who lives in Nashville.

Because Susie leaves for Nashville this morning for four days.

Anyway, she goes to her mother's house to meet her lousy, no-good brother so he can load the futon in her mini-van.

Except he has the same gene in his body that she has in hers which makes it physically impossible to be somewhere when he says he's going to be there.

So he's two hours late getting home from work.

Which infuriated Susie.

I pointed out that Susie is always at least one hour late getting home from work. Technically, if she left work at 5 p.m. every day, picked up Andrew and came home, she'd be home by 5:30.

She's NEVER home before 6:30.

So it must be in their genes.

Yep.

I'm still in the doghouse over that one.

Have you guys seen "Banzai!" yet on Fox, Sunday nights?

If so, do you find it as creepy as I do?

Talking about summer TV fare, I'm addicted to "Last Comic Standing" on NBC and Comedy Central.

Naturally, the show should be a helluva lot funnier with a bunch of comedians living under one roof. The funniest one (Dave) was kicked off last week, leaving a bunch of unfunny bastards whining around the house.

And it's cheesy as all get out. Jay Mohr, who I usually like, is unbearable as the host.

I have absolutely no reason to like the show.

Except to cheer on Dat Phan, the Vietnamese comic.

He's going to win it.

Just you wait and see.

Andrew has now reached a phase where the kid is talking non-stop.

Gone are the days where everything was an "apple".

Now, the little guy knows all of his colors, shapes, alphabet, animals and can count to 20 already.

The kid can say (and draw) "Rectangle" plain as day.

He can even count to five in Spanish (Thank you Dora, you Exploring Bitch, you).

He also knows the words "Big" and "Little" in Spanish.

He walks around the house, stretching his arms wide and saying "Larrrgay!" and then bringing them in close and saying "Porqueno!"

Forgive me if I spelled those wrong. I know an extremely small amount of Spanish and am too lazy to look up the correct spelling of either word. As always, you may feel free to sue me for ruining your day with my butchering of the Spanish language.

Anyway...it's just too wild. He's still not forming them in sentences longer than two words, but it's amazing that he's learned all this within the space of about six weeks.

Now, everything is "Ready...set...GOOO!!" whenever he does something.

If he's about to put a tape in the VCR...ready...set...go.

If he's about to take a bite of food...ready...set...go.

I swear to you ... last night I was changing his diaper and he laid there still as a corpse.

He then quietly said "Ready ... set ... GO!!"

At that point, he frantically rolled around so that I couldn't get the diaper on him.

He finds this hilarious.

I find it frustrating. Cute, but frustrating.

So I jabbed him a couple of times in the eyes with my car keys.

Ready, set, go my ass.

That's it from me.

I've gotta go help the wife load up the van with her suitcases.

Adios, Senorita.

That's the extent of my Spanish today.

Thank you.

I'll be here all week.

Please tip your waitresses.

And then help them back up off the floor afterwards.

See??

I shoulda been on "Last Comic Standing".

Oh!

I had a dream that I was playing acoustic guitar in Beck's band at a huge stadium concert.

Except I don't know how to play acoustic guitar.

So I told them to give me one unplugged, and I danced around the stage for an hour, pretending to add something to the show while Beck sang.

Afterwards, Beck and his manager were watching a video of the show and I walked up and noticed I looked like a huge dork on the monitor.

I apologized to Beck and his manager for basically ruining the show.

They just stared at me in anger.

Now Beck's pissed with me.

I'm a Loser, baby.

Now Beck wants to kill me.