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5:37 a.m. - 2003-08-15

HAVE YOU HUGGED YOUR LOCAL TERRORIST TODAY?

I dunno about you guys, but when I got that CNN Breaking News email about the power being gone in New York, Detroit, Toronto and Cleveland I had but one thought on my mind...

...There go my freakin' hits for the day.

Actually...I thought terrorism.

It just sounded like a sneaky thing for those wacky terrorists to do. Remove the power from four major cities simultaneously and then start blowing up stuff so that the cities were in chaos.

I'll admit ... I had a minor freak-out session as I ran from office to office at work babbling "CNN.com ... terrorists ... we're all going to die!"

Chicken Little ain't got shit on me, y'know?

I was watching a live feed from MSNBC and saw thousands of people filling the streets of NYC and thought "Any second now...planes are going to fall from the sky on these people."

Why?

Because as a co-worker pointed out, we're now TRAINED to think the worst after 9-11.

(Is it 9-11? Or 9/11?)

It's true. Anytime I hear about something weird going on, I automatically think "damned terrorists".

Only to find out a squirrel was scampering across a power line, fried itself on a live wire and knocked out power to billions of people.

At which time, I usually issue a silent apology to the damned terrorists of the world.

But as I mentioned to afore-mentioned co-worker ... if the terrorists WERE going to strike, yesterday would have given them carte blanche to do so since America was already in a state of disarrayed panic.

But they didn't.

So thank you, terrorists.

Thank you for playing on an even playing field and not striking as we were down.

We appreciate that.

Now go back to your little basement laboratories and make bombs or whatever the hell you guys do during the day.


So we're having this big Market Day at my place of work in October.

And one of the themes is going to be "Christmas In October".

Yes, I came up with this theme. Everybody does "Christmas in July" and that's old hat.

But who does "Christmas in October"??

ANSWER: Nobody.

Anyway, it was suggested to me that we needed a Santa Claus for the hundreds of kids in attendance.

I stared at the floor for an eternity before the gal said "Would you be Santa Claus for Christmas in October?"

ME?!?

Why...why...I've never played Santa Claus before!!

But I'll tell ya, Punky Brewster...if anyone was born to play Santa Claus, it's Me Truly!!

I'm fat! Check!

I'm jolly! Check!

I have a strange obsession with little people! Check!

I agreed to do it, because I'm all about the kids.

But ... I've got a dilemma.

Naturally, my son will be seeing me in this Santa Claus suit.

Naturally, he's two and is a bit apprehensive of people in outlandish garb.

Do I let him in on the secret and let him know that it's Daddy under the thick white beard?

If I do that, he'll be more at ease with "Santa".

But ... on the other hand ... at the age of 2, he'll already know that Daddy=Santa Claus.

Will that ruin Christmas for him?

And it's not like he understands complicated concepts. I can't explain "Well, Daddy dressed up as Santa Claus and all these other kids thought he was Santa Claus, but I really wasn't because the real Santa Claus is making toys at the North Pole and the Santa Claus at the mall and the one at your mama's company Christmas party ... those are the real Santa Clauses. We just duped those poor kids at Christmas in October for kicks."

The boy isn't going to understand that any more than he would understand a course in metaphysics.

I get the feeling that him seeing me as Santa Claus may screw him up for life.

Maybe I'm just being too anal about this.

I dunno.

I just ... the kid's already pretty messed up just being my kid, y'know?

There's no sense in twisting his fragile little brain up any more than necessary.


There's been quite a big fuss kicked about lately about the Internet's one and only Pamie becoming a much-celebrated author and book selling goddess.

Many of you may not know this, but I credit Pamie as the one responsible for my mediocre modicum of success on the internet. It's a long story and I shan't bother you with the details.

Anyway ... good for her. She deserves the success.

But ... there's another popular diarist on the web that's just released their first book.

Uh-huh.

Who do you think that is?

Hmmmmmmm???

Any guesses????

Would you like to say .... ohhhhh.....ME?!?!

Hmmmmmmm???

Well you'd be WRONG, BUB!!!

Hellfire....I've written 9-10 books that have been published, doofus!!

Good God almighty...writing books is old-hat to a sea-salt stained sailor like myself!!

I'm talking about my old pal, Fred!

Yes, the former fat bastard has finally gotten around to telling his amazing story in print form and it's a winner!

I've been reading Fred's webpage for several years and it's a motivational journal that tells exactly how and why he decided to lose like...400 lbs!!!

Somewhere around there. The guy was PHAT!!

If you never read One Phat Man over the last few years, it's a great website that gave all those with weight problems hope that they too could lose the weight like Fred has.

Anyway, go buy his book here.

Click on that link, because I get a kick back from every book sold!!

Whooohoooo!!

I'm the Phat Guy's Pimp, I am!!

Plus you're helping yet another diarist celeb sell books which helps all of us because it gives us the hope that not only can we all be hunks someday, but we can sell books to the masses!!

We can take over the world!!!

If we can just get the freakin' power to go out in NYC one more time, the world is ours!!

Internet Diarist Terrorists!!!

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!

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