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5:28 a.m. - 2003-08-19

THERE'S A LOT TO BE SAID FOR CREW CUTS

How many of you guys heard about this?


When I first read this article, I was shocked and saddened by the tragic death of this fine, upstanding pillar in his community.

I'll admit ... I wept.

But after my furious weeping session, I picked up a guitar, sat down and wrote what I feel is a fitting tribute to the short life of this incredible man.

It would have helped matters if I knew the first thing about playing a guitar. Alas, I merely strummed the horribly out-of-tune strings with the back of my hand until I achieved a sound not unlike two cats getting it on in an alley.

The song has a country flavor to it because I feel that's how Doug would have wanted it.

I call it ...

THE LONG HAIRED CARNY RIDE FROM HELL

The carny life's a lonely one

It's a lot of work and very little fun

"Shoulda worn his hair in a bun,"

Thought the people down below.

...

Lifted 40 feet in the air,

What did you see up there?

Bet you wished you'd cut your hair

About ten years ago.

...

Dangling upside down in the sky

Kept on screaming "I don't wanna die!"

People placing bets on the hippie guy

And how long he'd stay up.

...

His life went and flashed before his eyes

As the urine streamed down his bony thighs

Could only imagine how the other guys

Were laughing their heads off.

...

CHORUS:

Heyyyy Doug,

Won't you grease up this here ride?

The coaster's moving slow today

And a little oil will make her slide

Heyyyy Doug,

Is that dope I smell on your breath?

Better be careful greasing that track,

I'd hate to see you fall to your death

...

His hair came loose strand after strand

Went from a hippie to a big bald man

Chunks of scalp fell and hit the land

And the people were grossed out by that.

...

Someone called out "Hang in there Doug!"

"It's okay, you can always buy a rug"

But as the last hair broke, he hit the ground,

With a loud reverberating splat.

...

CHORUS:

Heyyyy Doug,

What a crazy way for a guy to die

Hanging by the hair of his head

From a flimsy roller coaster ride.

Heyyyy Doug,

Your legacy will live on.

From here on out they'll remember you

As the guy who died screaming for his Mom.

...

Boss says that the show must go on,

The line at the Tilt-A-Whirl's gettin' fairly long

Just bury Doug out back with his favorite bong

And everyone get back to .... worrrrrk.

Rest in peace Doug.


Hey ... I never said it was a good song.


You know what I am just positively SICK of?

Hearing about that stupid blackout from last week and what "might" have caused it.

You know ... I'm reeeeeeeally sorry that some of you didn't have power for two days and couldn't check your email.

I'm all freakin' boo-hoo-hoo over that.

But the media's insistance to beat this dead horse until its intestines are splattered on the ground like my buddy Doug's brains is driving me insane.

The only bright light in any of this has been Al Qaida's claim that they're the ones responsible for the blackout.

That just amuses me to no end.

You know...unless it's true. And then it freaks my ass out.

But right now, it seems like Al Qaida is like the new kid at school who's trying to impress everyone else on the playground with outrageous lies.

GERMANY: "So America ... tell us about the blackout!"

AMERICA: "Oh man, it was so wicked! First all the power went out in NYC! Then Cleveland!"

AL QAIDA: "I did that."

AMERICA: "Then Detroit!"

CANADA: "Don't forget about Toronto!"

AL QAIDA: "I did Toronto. That was me."

AMERICA: "Oh yeah! Toronto too! Man, that was some shit!"

AL QAIDA: "I did it to prove a point that I'm still somebody to be taken seriously."

ENGLAND: "Yo America, how'd it happen?"

AMERICA: "I think it had something to do with some weak grids in Ohio or some shit."

AL QAIDA: "Nope. It was me. I wash my hands with your children's blood. I shut off all the power to show you guys how serious I am about destroying you."

FRANCE: "Did anyone die from heat exhaustion?"

ENGLAND: "Shut up, France, you're out of your element here."

AL QAIDA: "I caused those people in France to die from heat exhaustion as well. Every bad thing that happens to the world, I will be responsible for. I'm evil. Evil I'm telling you. I can kick all y'all's asses. Try me."

AMERICA: "You guys wanna go teeter-totter?"

EVERYONE BUT AL QAIDA: "Yeah!"

AL QAIDA: "Your Dolly Parton? She's next! I'm serious here guys! Fear me! FEAR MEEEEE!!!"

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