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5:37 a.m. - 2003-09-02

I WILL NEVER (SNIFFLE) WALK (SOB) ALONE

Every Labor Day, I have a good cry.

Usually it comes at the tail end of the Labor Day Telethon. Jerry and Ed have always broken a new record and Jerry "seems" overwhelmed by this breakthrough in social kindness and combined with the lack of sleep and complete and utter exhaustion, threatens to lose it while closing the show with the standard "You'll Never Walk Alone".

One year ... I don't remember the exact year ... he did just breakdown in the middle of the song, put the microphone down and walked away without finishing it.

Man.

I cried me a river on THAT Labor Day.

Anyway, I'm sitting there, watching Jerry sing that bitch.

And I'm fighting back the tears.

Why??

A) Because my wife and child were sitting there and my wife knows I cry every year at this moment and was staring at me, waiting for the tears to roll down my chubby cheeks.

and B) I had already cried most of the afternoon.

But it wasn't over the telethon.

Hell...all total, I had watched about 10 minutes of the telethon this year which is in sharp contrast to the 20-plus hours I watched as a kid, absorbing all of the Vegas-type entertainment like a sponge.

Nay.

I had been watching "About Schmidt" all afternoon by myself.

And sobbing like a little girl who just watched her kitten be mangled by a lawn mower.

Jeezametty....have you SEEN this movie??

I bought it the other day when I saw Movie Gallery had a "Buy Two Get One Free" Used DVD sale.

I also bought "Punch Drunk Love" with Adam Sandler and "Catch Me If You Can".

(In case you're obsessed with knowing every DVD title I own)

Anyway, I was halfway expecting a comedy from "About Schmidt".

And it has its funny moments.

But all throughout the movie, my eyes were burning and my cheeks were sore from trying not to cry.

And then...the last scene ... oh holy hell. I just said "Screw it! Andrew's down for a nap. Susie's at work. I'm here alone, I'm lettin' the tears flow!"

And I just boo-hoo-hooed my ass off at that final scene.

Oh, how lucky you ladies are to have that damned PMS stuff.

You can sob uncontrollably and just blurt out "I'm about to ovulate!" and that's a perfectly good excuse for enjoying a good cry.

Me?

I have to resort to "Jack Nicholson's life is so screwed up! Waaaaaaaaaaaah!!!"

I called my sister up, still sniffling after the movie and asked her if she had seen it, since she sees every movie released.

"Yeah," she said. "I thought it was okay."

"Okay?!?" I blurted, about to lose it again. "It was AWESOME!!"

"I dunno," she yawned. "I didn't care for Jack Nicholson's character."

At this point, I had to resort to our family tradition of trying to win a sibling over to our way of thinking by reminding them of various scenes in the film that solidifies our point of why this is such a fantastic film.

It didn't work.

But she DID admit that Mom and Dad had seen it and that Mom even bought a copy because she liked it so much.

Ahhhhh...redemption.

Someone else in the family saw the similarities of our family to the family in "About Schmidt".

Now I could sleep at night.


Watched "Punch Drunk Love" too.

It was okay. I hate having to diss anything that P.T. Anderson directed since I loved "Boogie Nights" and thought "Magnolia" was strange but effective.

So I'll just say that "Punch Drunk Love" is a strange little film that's pretty predictable and wasn't as good as I was expecting, but I may have to watch it again.

Yeah.

That's diplomatic of me.


I've bought a lot of DVDs lately.

In addition to the ones I already listed, I bought the new "Mr. Show" DVD, the new "Animal House" DVD, "One Hour Photo" and ... "Swimfan".

I only bought "Swimfan" to save five dollars off of "One Hour Photo" at Best Buy.

I've read nothing but negative comments about "Swimfan" but also read that if I approach the movie as an unintentional comedy, I may enjoy it.

Cool.

I love unintentional comedies.

Things that are funny when they're not supposed to be.

You know...for those of you who needed a description of the term.

Sheesh.

Sometimes I address you guys like you're kindergarteners, huh?


My boy Mattie Gee brought down the pre-mastered version of his band The Spicolis debut CD.

It sounded great. They're working with a producer who's worked with several bands including Default and is currently working with a little band by the name of Creed.

So we jammed out to it yesterday afternoon (pre-"Schmidt" breakdown) and even Andrew had to bug out on a few of the tunes, running around in circles and headbanging.

Here's a cool fact ... my boy Mattie Gee can sing.

Whenever I see the band live, Mattie enunciates like Mushmouth from "Fat Albert".

For instance, if he's singing "My Sharona" it comes out "My Bahoe-guh".

The producer apparently had a heckuva time teaching Matt how to sing. Matt would be at the microphone, growling and spitting and the producer had to scratch his head and say "Uhhhh...would you mind throwing a couple of consonants in there?"

So I was a bit shocked when I could not only understand what the guy was singing, but the amazing similarities between him and a punked-up Paul McCartney.

The bitch can sing!

And the music kicks several levels of ass!

Granted, I'm not in the demographic that the guys are trying to appeal to.

The disc is geared toward a teenage-early 20s crowd, sounding an awful lot like the music the kids are listening to these days.

Not the gangsta rap shit. You won't find anything on here that you'd mistake for Fiffy Cent.

But it's melodic power punk tunes.

What the band NEEDS to do is put an MP3 of "Yer A Loser" on their site for everyone to download.

Yeah.

That's what they NEED to do alright.

Once people heard that song, they'd be more apt to say "Damn! Now I must own the entire disc!"

I need some garlic bread.

Sorry.

Stream of consciousness working overtime this morning.


Hi ho.

Hi ho.

It's back to work I go.

This really sucks.

But I need the bucks.

Hi ho.

Hi ho hi ho hi ho.

(Repeat if necessary)


Hey...guys...and feminists....

Don't forget to watch "The Joe Schmo Show" tonight on Spike TV at 9 EST; 8 central.

It's a reality show with a twist.

Apparently, only one guy on the entire show THINKS he's in a real Reality Show.

The rest are actors and actresses who know that they're not on a show.

And apparently "Joe Schmo" is playing to win!

But the joke's on him!

He's a goober!!

The previews look pretty funny and it's going to be interesting when this sap finally figures out that everything around him was staged to make him look like an idiot.

Heeeeee!!!

My kinda show.

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