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5:41 a.m. - 2003-09-04

IT'S NOT ME...IT'S YOU

Impotence.

It happens to everybody.

Except me. Especially not me.

And especially not me last night at 10:15 p.m.

So next time it happens to you, here's a list of excuses you can use to cover for your lack of manliness.


1) I'm sorry. I can't stop wondering how Siegfried and Roy are getting along these days.

2) Please stop staring at it. You're not doing it any favors.

3) I'm still bummed that they took "Touched By An Angel" off the air.

4) Do you think Telly Savalas is really dead?

5) Oh look! Mr. Happy doesn't like you any more!

6) C'mon! Name one song that New Kids on the Block did besides "Hanging Tough"!

7) Maybe if you got on all fours and barked like a dog...

8) Wait just a damned minute! What is this "erection" thing you keep talking about?

9) I'm pretty sure Nostradamus predicted this.

10) Fucking bin Laden!

11) Aw, just ignore it. This is just something it does to get attention.

12) I guess it's time I told you ... I'm part Jell-o.

13) I guess you'd never mistake me for a Catholic priest, huh?

14) Have I ever shown you how I can flip my eyelids up?

15) It's not me. It's you.

16) You so ugly, you graduated from Ugly University with honors.

17) Seriously, have you bathed in the last week?

18) That deformed tail bone thing you've got isn't helping matters.

19) You could always curl it around your wrist like a genital bracelet.

20) I'm like a volcano, baby … usually.

21) You planned this, didn't you?

22) I was scared I'd poke your eyes out from the inside.

23) Maybe it's just me, but you seem really hung up on erections.

24) It can smell your fear.

25) Goddamned unauthorized college medical experiments for $15 a pop!

26) Oh just great. Now I have to kill you and bury you in a shallow grave so you never say anything about this to anyone. And I can't remember where I put my damned shovel.

27) Hmmm ... the batteries must be dead.

28)Seriously ... don't you think Lenny and Squiggy MADE Laverne and Shirley?

29) You got any cute friends? You know … cuter than you?

30) So what's the difference between Hobbits and Hogwarts? You know...besides the whole gay thing.

31) Isn't it cute when it's sleeping?

32) I don't know what the problem is. I had an awesome erection this afternoon in that cheap hotel with that hooker.

33) I think it's tired of being used and abused.

34) Oh swell. The damned thing's on strike.

35) Goddamned AIDS!

36) Gimme a break lady, it ain't a circus monkey! It doesn't just perform on command!

37) Quick! Call my mom. She'll know what to do.

38) If you'll excuse me for just a moment, I have a ledge I need to be jumping off of.

39) I think it resents you calling it your "hairy fuckstick" all the time.

40) Wow! What a great time to curl up into a fetal position in the corner of the room and sob hysterically!

41) You got any jumper cables and a car battery handy? This shouldn't take but a minute.

42) I sure hope you're happy! You've turned me gay!

43) I really shouldn't have had that last hit of acid.

44) I'm pretty sure this is a message from God.

45) That's okay, get on the floor. My foot's pretty stiff!

46) Ahhh...that was great! Now go make me a sandwich, woman.

47) Savor that foreplay, baby.

48) I just can't get this mental image of a naked Whoopi Goldberg out of my head.

49) And now, my impression of a dead pink eel washed up on shore.

50) You know...that Lance Bass is quite the looker.

51) I'm sorry. I was just preoccupied with your horrid taste in home decor.

52) Do you think God's watching us right now?

53) Wow...for a split second there, I thought you were my grandfather.

54) Ah well, fuck it. Just ... you know ... not literally.

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