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5:14 a.m. - 2003-09-12

JOB TIP #515: NEVER THREATEN TO EAT YOUR CO-WORKERS

So yesterday I'm drive drive driving to work, listening to Radiohead's "Hail To The Thief".

Right?

You with me so far? It's not that complicated yet, kids. Stick with me.

And the song playing is a song called "Where I End And You Begin".

I think it's a song about sex, myself. Where the sweaty genitalia meet. Yeah. That's what I believe alright.

So near the end of the song, Thom Yorke (lead singer and professional imp) is saying the line "I will eat you alive" over and over again. It's really kind of cool because you can't really distinguish what he's saying at first and then at the end it's clear as a bell.

Seriously.

Stick with me here. There IS a payoff. Sorta.

So I get out of my car as that song is ending. And as normal, I'm singing the song as I walk into the building.

More to the point ... I'm saying "I will eat you alive" over and over again.

So I get in the building, nobody's around and I'm just...you know..."I will eat you alive, I will eat you alive, I will eat you alive".

I decide that before I go to my desk, I shall take a whiz.

I go in the main bathroom. A big bathroom. Three toilet stalls, three urinals, two sinks. Good sized bathroom.

Keep in mind ... I'm the only guy in the building at this point.

I go in, still singing/saying this phrase.

The acoustics in the bathroom are phenomenal.

So I kick it up a notch while I pee.

"I WILL EAT YOU ALIVE! I WILL EAT YOU ALIVE! I WILL EAT YOU ALIVE!"

...Really getting into it at this point.

All of a sudden, I hear a toilet flush.

Holy sheep shit, Batman.

I never saw who it was. They hauled ASS outta there, scared shitless that Hannibal Lechter had somehow escaped from prison and was crooning their death march to them as they were "dropping the kids off at the pool" if'n you know what I mean.

Of course, for a few seconds, I was faced with the dilemma of immediately stopping the singing or continuing like I was confident in myself and had no problem singing threatening lyrics in bathrooms to men taking a dump.

I continued on for the five seconds the guy stayed in the bathroom with me.

I'm still wondering who it was.

Hopefully, he has no idea it was me.

And we can just quietly forget this ever happened.


Speaking of quietly forgetting something happened yesterday ...

Everyone had gone to lunch, leaving me and Wendigo in the office.

Now, for months, I've had this stuff called Slush Powder in my desk drawer.

When you sprinkle this powder in a glass of water, it automatically turns the water into gel. Takes like 10 seconds to do. It's really kinda amazing.

Magicians use it, but it also makes for a great practical joke.

Which is why I own it.

So everyone's at lunch, I'm manning the phone system and I think to myself "I wonder if anyone left a glass of water on their desks?"

Sure enough...two women had done just that.

I get my Slush Powder and I sprinkle some in there. Both glasses of water are now filled with a sponge-y solid mass.

About an hour passes and one of the women comes back from lunch.

She starts saying "What happened to my water??"

Now, I'm not the best at keeping a straight face in these types of situations.

But I have to admit, I did pretty good. Because every time I was about to crack up, I made an "Ewwwww!" face instead.

This woman went on for 10-15 minutes about her water. Everyone started coming back from lunch and was crowded around her cup, speculating on what the hell had happened.

She filled up another cup of water and put it on her desk, leaving it there to see if the same thing would happen to that water.

While she's doing all this, I went to lunch with a couple of girls from the office.

We're gone an hour...hour and 15 minutes.

While we're gone, Water Woman has contacted our parent corporation up the street who are nice people, but rather humorless.

They are very disturbed by this and want to have the water tested. In the meantime....NOBODY is allowed to drink water from our water cooler.

A sample of the gelled water is sent to them and is sitting on the desk of the President of the organization. They believe there's something either toxic in the water or the cups. But they're putting in calls to the EPA to get to the bottom of this.

Meanwhile, I'm in a bistro, eating a burger and fries and not thinking anything about this little prank.

We get back from lunch and Water Woman is convinced it's something in the cups because while we were gone, they discovered that the other woman who's cup I tainted .... well by God...IT HAPPENED TO HER TOO!!!

So I go to my office, get the Slush Powder out of my drawer, walk up to where all the hubbub is going on and say "It very well could be the cups causing this ... but there's a chance it could be this Slush Powder as well."

Everyone gets a chuckle and admits it was a good prank and had everyone fooled and ah ha ha ha ha.

Then, the President of the organization gets wind of this.

And he wants to talk to my boss.

And I'm told that I'm on thin ice.

And everyone is coming to my office telling me I'm on thin ice.

And yet they're all trying not to smile as they say this.

And they're saying the President, whom I barely know, hasn't got patience for things like this because we are a very professional organization.

And meanwhile some guy is frantically running around the building trying to find out who was threatening to eat him alive in the bathroom that morning.

And my life just completely sucks.

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