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4:35 a.m. - 2003-09-18

BEHOLD THE LAMEST PRANK EVER PLAYED ON THE INTERNET

LAST FRIDAY

PORKTORNADO: "Hey dude. I see we're both up for the Comedic Entry Award at Diarist.net."

UNCLE BOB: "Yeah. I saw that. I checked your entry out...it was pretty damned good."

PORK: "Yeah. Yours sucked. But hey ... we need to do something outrageous to celebrate."

UNCLE BOB: "Like what? Post actual sized pictures of your penis? Can you shrink pictures that small?"

PORK TORNADO: "I dunno. Maybe we should start a fake war on our diaries that would last all week."

UNCLE BOB: "Sounds good. Unoriginal, but good. Lemme sleep on it."

PORK TORNADO: "Okay. But while you're sleeping on it, could you maybe ... I dunno...maybe work in a dream about me?"

UNCLE BOB: "Knock it off, ya homo."


SATURDAY

PORK TORNADO: "So whadda ya think? When do we start the fake war?"

UNCLE BOB: "I dunno, man. It's been done before. I think I've even been involved in a fake war at one time or another."

PORK TORNADO: "Well then what do you suggest?"

UNCLE BOB: "I dunno. I'm not really creative right now. Lemme think about it some more."


SUNDAY

PORK TORNADO: "Have you thought about it?"

UNCLE BOB: "Yeah. I guess it'd be okay to do a fake war."

PORK TORNADO: "Cool! How should we start it?"

UNCLE BOB: "Wait. On second thought, I don't want to do it."

PORK TORNADO: "What are you? Some kind of woman?? What's so damned difficult about this?"

UNCLE BOB: "I just don't wanna look stupid, y'know?"

PORK TORNADO: (snort) "It's a little late for that, don't you think?"


MONDAY

PORK TORNADO: "So are we going to do this shit or not?"

UNCLE BOB: "No. It's stupid."

PORK TORNADO: "We have to do something."

UNCLE BOB: "I know, I know. I just don't know what right now."

PORK TORNADO: "Well if you don't have a better idea, I still say we need to flame each other unmercifully."

UNCLE BOB: "Okay. That's cool."

PORK TORNADO: "Really?"

UNCLE BOB: "No wait. It's not cool."

PORK TORNADO: "DAMMIT!!"


TUESDAY

PORK TORNADO: "We're running out of time here, man. Are we going to fight or not?"

UNCLE BOB: "Yes. I mean...no. I mean ... yes."

PORK TORNADO: "Fuck you."


WEDNESDAY

UNCLE BOB: "Dude. I just left a nasty comment on your Comments page.

PORK TORNADO: "WHEEEEE!! Lemme go check!"

PORK TORNADO: "YAAAAAAY!! Let the games begin."

PORK TORNADO: "There. Your turn."

UNCLE BOB: "Okay. How about this? Damn. I really heeled myself there. I came off like a real asshole."

PORK TORNADO: "You ARE a real asshole."

UNCLE BOB: "True dat. But usually I hide it better than I just did. It's your move."

PORK TORNADO: "I just gave you an answer on my comments page."

UNCLE BOB: "Wait. This is getting confusing. So we have two flame wars going on simultaneously on our respective message board/comments page?"

PORK TORNADO: "Uhhhhh...yeah."

UNCLE BOB: "We really should have given this more thought."

PORK TORNADO: "Duh. Don't look at me. You're the one who said you didn't want to do it and then started it anyway."

UNCLE BOB: "I'm having my period. I'm entitled to rash decisions concerning my diary."

PORK TORNADO: "There. I just responded on your message board."

UNCLE BOB: "WHEEEEE!! Lemme go check."

(pause)

UNCLE BOB: "BWAHAHAHAHA!!! Go hump your ugly wife and enjoy your loveless marriage, Uncle Blob!! That's priceless!"

PORK TORNADO: "Thank you, thank you. I liked the "Hard returns are the soul of wit" myself."

UNCLE BOB: "I don't get it."

PORK TORNADO: "You wouldn't."

UNCLE BOB: "Okay. I just signed your comments page and now, like the Neanderthal I am, I brought physical violence into the picture."

PORK TORNADO: (audible squeal of delight) "Violence!! That's what this war needs! Empty threats of violence! I just left another message on your page."

UNCLE BOB: "Dammit man ... you're making this hard on me. You're wanting me to produce facts like where you've been talking shit about me and I can't just pull those out of my ass. Stick to beating me with sticks or something. Don't make me have to think."

PORK TORNADO: "Sorry. I forgot you're brain dead."

UNCLE BOB: "I'm getting to the point where I can't think of any more idle threats to throw your way, so I just left a message telling everyone to vote for me like 30 times."

PORK TORNADO: "We're both really coming across like assholes here."

UNCLE BOB: "I know. That's the funny part. We're two grown men threatening physical violence against each other over an award that's supposed to reward us for the sense of humor that we exhibit on our online diaries. Did you ever come across another situation with such absurdity?"

PORK TORNADO: "Wait a second. I never threatened physical violence."

UNCLE BOB: "That's because you know I can kick your ass. Hey, check it out ... I just gave your street address away on your Comments page."

PORK TORNADO: "Bwahaha! That's an old address, you buffoon!"

UNCLE BOB: "Goddamned internet."

PORK TORNADO: "That was my address about four moves ago."

UNCLE BOB: "Are you going to respond to it?"

PORK TORNADO: "I'm running out of time."

UNCLE BOB: "Yeah, me too. Okay, let's wrap this up."

PORK TORNADO: "Check and mate, asshole?"

UNCLE BOB: "Eh. I wanted to sound like a cross between Clint Eastwood and 50 Cent."

PORK TORNADO: "Instead you sounded like a pissed off grandmother at a Bingo parlor."

UNCLE BOB: "Check it out ... I think Bingoguy is on to us."

PORK TORNADO: "Well, the whole thing is pretty transparent."

UNCLE BOB: "Yeah. It was a pretty stupid idea."

PORK TORNADO: "Yeah."

UNCLE BOB: "See? I told you."

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