I'M ONE OF THE GIRLS NOW

So yesterday, my co-workers and I go to this hotel grand opening.

I'm still not sure on how "grand" it was. They had cold cuts and blueberry muffins for us to munch on as we stared at the walls.

I guess recently paroled ax murderers would find it "grand". I found it "a waste of time and energy".

Anyway, I saw this woman that used to come out to the nightclub that I deejayed at back in the 80s.

Even though it's been 15 years or so since I saw her, I recognized her immediately because she has some sort of deformity between her eyes.

It's like the bridge of her nose is about seventeen inches wide so her eyes are on either side of her head. If she snuck up on you in a dark alley, I can assure you ... you'd scream your ass off and beg not to be dragged back to her planet.

Anyway, I never really knew the woman that I can recall. I just ... you know ... recognized her and shuddered.

She came up to me, having recognized me and we talked.

But it's an uncomfortable talk when you talk with someone that used to be the alien-like barfly at your former place of employment.

It's not kosher to say things like "Damn...do you remember that night the employees caught you behind the dumpster blowing Japanese tourists as they slapped your head like a watermelon?"

Because that's the kind of things people try to forget about as they grow older.

So I said "Yeah, there were lots of things done back then that we'd rather forget about."

And I said this in front of my new fellow employees...all women in their 20s.

So we leave the "Grand" opening and get in the car and IMMEDIATELY the girls start grilling me on Princess Wide Nose.

They thought I had slept with her at one point. Which totally disgusted me because I try to make it a habit of sleeping with women who don't look like they've been pounded repeatedly in the face with a brick.

Anyway, I'm not quite sure if they believed me or not.

But I didn't sleep with her.

I swear.

After work last night, we all went to a local bar/restaurant on the river for our boss' 30th anniversary with the company.

We've really got a great boss. He's strict but fair and extremely intelligent about the company, which happens when you spend 30 years at the place.

Anyway, the alcohol was flowing.

And I drank a decent amount of it.

We went on a pontoon boat ride as the sun started going down which was really cool.

I sat in the back of the boat with this closeted gay guy.

I'm not positive he's gay in that I've never had sex with him.

But he has all the mannerisms and if he isn't gay, he's going to have an uphill battle getting a girlfriend, if and when he ever decides to pursue one.

He did say last night that he plans on getting married someday, but when he's older "like 35 or 40".

Anyway, we're sitting on the back of the boat and somebody else on the boat brings up the movie "Deliverance".

He had never heard about the movie, so I explained to him it was about four guys who went kayaking down a river and one gets hurt so they go to shore and two hillbillies meet up with them and the hillbillies end up raping the men.

"Raping them???" my gay buddy said, clutching his imaginary pearls.

"Yeah," I grinned. "It's pretty disturbing. I only saw the movie once and never wanted to see it again."

"Raping them??" he says again, his mind clearly wandering.

"Yep," I say.

"Raaaaaaaping themmmmmm," he murmurs softly.

That's about the time I got up and went to the front of the boat for another beer.

After the boat trip, several people got in their cars and left. I was about to do the same, but Wendigo said "Oh come on! Stay and have a drink with the girls!"

So it was me and five women left on the patio of the bar.

One woman pretty much monopolized the conversation with stories about her two marriages.

I've never really talked to this woman. She works in a different building and I only see her twice a month at staff meetings.

You know how sometimes, someone can open their mouth and say the words "One time ... " and you can automatically tell that they're a redneck who has made two men suffer by wearing their wedding rings and using her amazingly annoying voice to belittle and turn the man into a whiny snivelling bitch in the space of a few minutes?

Yeah?

Well this was one of those women.

She prattled on and on about how domineering she is over her husband.

Meanwhile, I chugged my beer like I was severely dehydrated.

And then left.

Being one of the girls isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Andrew's a big boy now.

Last night, Susie put Andrew's first bed together.

That sounds macho, but it was just her screwing a few screws together while her husband was cruising down the river on a boat with a gay guy discussing homosexual rape.

Anyway, I stumble in the front door and she's gotten the whole thing put together.

At 9:30 last night, as it was time for bed, I asked him "Do you want to sleep in your crib or your big boy bed?"

"Big boy bed!" he said.

So he was laid down in the big boy bed.

He didn't get up once in the middle of the night.

He didn't cry.

He was ready for the big boy bed.

...Of course ... getting him out of the big boy bed this morning was a different story altogether.

The Big Boy Bed must have some secret lumbar action in it that keeps kids from wanting to leave it.