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5:09 a.m. - 2003-10-24

GOOD RIDDANCE YOU OLD BAG

We got a call last night that this lady at our church died yesterday.

And I couldn't be happier about it.

She was 94 years old and the oldest member of the church.

I always spoke to her back when we went to the church every week. She was feeble and always late for church.

She was a big fan of my newspaper columns and clipped them out of the paper and saved them in a shoe box so that whenever she felt down, she could read my columns and get a chuckle.

You'd think I'd be a bit sad that she's dead ... right?

Wrong.

The woman was one of the most extreme racists I've ever met.

She had no qualms about using the n-word ... inside the church.

In her (weak) defense, she grew up in a world where African-Americans had to sit in the back of the bus and drink from different water fountains and use different restrooms and sleep in their own hotels.

So she never quite understood why they were given equal rights as the white folk.

She liked it better the other way.

I remember distinctly when my buddy Brian was the preacher at the church and he and his wife adopted a bi-racial little boy months before Andrew was born.

This old woman insisted that the only reason Brian did that was to open the doors for all "n-words" to come to our church and she wasn't going to share her church with them.

I was taken aback by her comment and was extremely offended because I knew Brian and they would have adopted a child that was half-wolf at that point, simply because they wanted a child. Its race didn't matter.

But one of the older members of the church said to ignore her. Basically, she had never moved past 1955.

Anyway, she's dead now.

Will I go to the funeral tomorrow?

Yeah. Probably.

Because the woman really did like me and was always very nice to me.

Only because I was born with the right skin color in her eyes.


We have found a brunette model for our advertisements.

Some lady with a really long face from what I've been told.

Great.

We've got a horse-faced woman in our ads now.

The good thing is, her price is a whole lot cheaper than the previous model.

And we have to pay her in hay.

Straw.

Whatever.

Because she's horse-faced.

Ha.

As you can probably tell, I left my sense of humor on the pillow this morning.


I'm really tired.

I'm going back to bed.

Sorry this was so boring, but next week is FULL of events worth writing about.

Tomorrow ... the funeral.

Sunday ... taking Andrew to a fall festival.

Monday ... a fancy party.

Tuesday ... nothing. The finale of Joe Schmo. But that's it.

Wednesday...WIGGLY Wednesday!

Thursday ... volunteering for both a professional golf tournament and a Haunted House kinda thing.

Friday ... Halloween.

Big week coming up.

So this will at least be more entertaining next week.

See?

I'm just priming you for that.

I'm such a thoughtful bastard sometimes.

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