ASK ANDREW

Dear Andrew,

There's something I've been wondering about and I think you might be just the man to ask--

Is that purple Teletubby really gay?

If so, do you know how to get ahold of him? I know the *perfect* guy.....

Thanx

Jen

..........

Dear Jen,

Bitch! Don't be askin' me nuttin' 'bout no gotdamned Teletubby bullshit! You think my parents let me watch that shit? Sheeeee-it. They all the time be crammin' that Wiggles bullshit down my motherfuckin' throat.

I can tell yo' ass one motherfuckin' thang ... that motherfuckin' purple shirt wearin' Wiggles motherfucker that looks like he been smashed in the motherfuckin' face wi' da business end of a snow shovel?

Dat motherfucker got's to be a cocksmoking bizzatch. I went and seen them motherfuckers a few weeks ago an' even though my old man got us the worst gotdamned seats in the hizzouse, I could still tell that motherfucker wanted my ass so bad that it was hurtin' him to be up onstage fully clothed. Motherfucker's just too gotdamned happy to be around a house full o' impressionable kids to not be a randy butt pirate.

Teletubbies? Maaaan ... fuck that shit. That shit is sooo yesterday. Go get yo' Rubik's Cube and Hubba Bubba Bubble Gum and watch yo' motherfuckin' teletubbies and worry more about whether your own ass is gay instead of worrying about a buncha gotdamned TV stomach motherfuckers.

Sincerely,

Andrew

Dear Andrew,

Hi! I'm a 45 year old man who makes his living bringing joy to little boys throughout the world with his songs. Recently, I was rubbing my penis between the butt cheeks of a little boy with cancer when he said "Michael, I'm thinking about going to the authorities and telling them that you can't stop ejaculating all over me unless you give me $20 million."

My initial reaction was to smother the little bastard and put him down in the basement with the rest of the "missing" children (Who's missing them? I ain't missing them! HA! I kid...I kid...). But instead of killing him, I bought his family a house, thinking that would shut the little sperm bank up.

Well guess what? The little fucker went and told the authorities anyway! Now I'm in a whole heap of trouble, the cops wanna arrest me, CBS has cancelled my special that was going to help endear me to more little boys and worst of all, I've had to postpone my slumber party for this week.

What am I going to do?

Sincerely,

"Tito"

..........

Dear Tito,

$20 million?

Bitch, I'll take a plunger up the ass for $200.

I can even cough a lot and shit if it's the whole cancer thing that gets your rocks off.

The number is 205-369-1215.

The ball's in your court, Stud.

Sincerely,

Andrew

P.S. Call me. Seriously.

("Ask Andrew" is the only Internet advice column for adults and written by a three year-old little boy with delusions of someday being a gangsta rapper. "Ask Andrew" can not predict the future. "Ask Andrew" is not available for parties, wedding and bar mitzvahs but has been known to liven up a funeral every now and then. "Ask Andrew" is not affilated with the owner of Diaryland so stop spreading rumors that he is. Do not "Ask Andrew" where the beef is. He will only wink, pat his crotch and make rude comments about your genitalia. "Ask Andrew" does not really have a vendetta against the Wiggles or anyone associated with their company. He just chastises them because he has an image to uphold. Secretly, he dances his fool ass off every time they come on TV. But for chrissakes ... don't tell anyone that.)