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5:54 a.m. - 2003-11-25

I'M GOING TO THE BIG BLUE HOUSE!

Who's the best daddy in the world?

Talk to me, motherfuckers...WHO'S THE BEST DAMNED DADDY IN THE WORLD?!?!?!

You're damned skippy.

Me.


So ... hmmmm...last Thursday I think it was ... I get this email from Ticketmaster.

"Bear's coming to your area with all his friends!"

Bear?

Motherfucking BEAR is coming?!?!

I dropped everything (okay fine...I wasn't technically holding anything ... you know what I mean) and I called the Mrs.

"Guess who's coming to our area?" I said, all a'flutter.

"I dunno," she said, obviously already bored with the conversation. "Bear?"

"BEAR!!" I exclaimed through the magic which is AT&T.

"Bear?!?" she said, suddenly realizing the urgency of the conversation.

"BEAR!!!" I exclaimed again for dramatic purposes.

It took us both a few minutes to regain our composure.

Yes, we fully understand that going to see The Wiggles was a disaster.

But several different factors came into play there. Andrew's first splinter, the horrible seats, the fact that he's more or less outgrown the Wiggles by now.

But Bear?

Bear in the Big Blue House???

Bear is only the star of Andrew's favorite DVD. The only one he can watch repeatedly and sing and dance along to.

WE MUST GO SEE BEAR.

After hours of debating this, it was decided by my most evil of wives to NOT go see Bear. She didn't want to take the chance of going and Andrew having yet another horrible time.

Tickets went on sale at 10 a.m. yesterday.

At about 3 p.m. I decided to just check and see how ticket sales were going.

Can you say "slow"?

I called my wife in a panic to tell her what awesome seats we could have if we ACTED NOW!!!

She was on a conference call.

I wrestled with the idea in my head.

Should I buy some awesome Bear tickets against my wife's wishes? Or should I cheat my son out of ever seeing a drunken man in a bear suit sing songs like "Otter Love" and "What's That Smell?"

It wasn't a hard decision.

I called the wife again. Her conference call was over.

"Guess what I just did?" I said, giddier than an ugly girl about to lose her virginity to a drunken frat boy.

"I dunno," she said. "Peed blood?"

"Nope, that was an hour ago," I giggled. "I just bought BEAR TICKETS!!!"

"I thought we said we weren't going to go to that," she said, about to yell at me.

"I know," I said. "But listen ... I bought Bear tickets .... THIRD ROW CENTER!!!"

Silence.

"Third row center?" she repeated.

"Third row center!" I confirmed.

She began to squeal like the monster in "Alien".

There is NO WAY Andrew will not like this show.

As long as we can keep him healthy and he doesn't have a horrible head cold (it's on January 10th), we should be okay.

Last night, to celebrate, we watched the Bear Live DVD.

Sure enough, Andrew was on the floor the entire time, dancing, clapping and laughing at all the corny jokes.

This is going to be good.

This is going to make up for the Wiggles.

Third row center.

We are going to be IN the Big Blue House, we'll be so close.

Eventually, I'm going to find out the secret to buying a child's love.

And when I do, I'll be sure to share it with you.


I'm not sure if I've ever shared this with you all.

A few years ago, Mattie Gee and I came up with this brilliant comedy duo ... Lester and Willie.

We dressed up like two ignorant rednecks and had decided in a pot-induced haze that we were going to be huge stars by doing this schtick.

Long story short ... we abandoned the project when he helped form The Spicolis which was a pretty smart move on his behalf because there's not much money out there to be showered on a couple of idiots dressed up like rednecks.

Still, we had one gig.

We were special guests at a Blood Bank drive.

Yeah.

I'm talking "Big Time".

We were a hit though. Little children lined up to get their photos taken with us.

And the other day, I ran across two of the photos.

So ... you wanna see 'em...right?

Oooooookay.

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Yeah.

And yes ... the teeth and glasses are fake.

And yesser ... I know my fly is open. That was part of the joke.

The little girl with us was our biggest fan. As you could probably tell.

I remember singing "Believe" by Cher on karaoke in that get-up and purposefully screwing it up, trying desperately to hit the high notes.

We had a good time.

But it was a rocky road and it fizzled out quickly.

That was our only gig.

In hindsight, we probably should have at least advertised the fact that you could hire us for your shindig and we'd show up to liven up the party and then leave.

Or tried to get booked in a comedy club.

Or take it to a local cable access TV show.

Or something.

Anything.

Instead, we waited for people to bust our doors down with requests to come be funny.

It didn't happen that way.

Lester and Willie are now dead.

But their memory lives on.

Well ... not really.

I just thought it'd be funny to throw those photos up here.

That's it.

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