CONFESSIONS OF A FORMER TELEVISION STAR

So back in like ... I dunno ... 1997 through 1999, I was a much sought-after co-host for local television shows.

I was the King of Cable Access. Had a sceptre and everything.

I co-hosted two shows, guest hosted on another show, and was a guest on one show with my buds Wendigo and Edweird where we basically turned the show into some sort of bizarre cabaret for our own personal amusement. I was crooning "Happy Birthday" like Elvis at one point and we were trying to hook Eddie up with morbidly obese callers to the show.

It was fun, to say the least. I can't remember if I was stoned or not on the show. I'm guessing I was. Back then, if I was awake ... I was probably high.

Anyway, the last show I did and the one that I stayed with the longest was called "Focus" and my co-host was an aerobics instructor named Bonnie.

At first Bonnie had five co-hosts, one for each day of the week and the show "focused" on different forms of entertainment each day.

My day was Thursday and I covered the entertainment world.

It was really pretty cool. We went to concerts and videotaped them and interviewed the stars and then broadcast them on our show.

One of the first concerts we covered was this group who had just released their first album and weren't well known at all. We hung out on the side of the stage behind the speakers and shot video of them. The lead singer kept looking over and grinning at me as she was excited for the coverage we were giving them, which really amounted to zilch in the long run, but she didn't know that.

The group's name was the Dixie Chicks.

I think that lead singer wanted to jump my bones that night.

Or single-handedly change foreign policy.

One or the other.

Anywhooo ... after about 2-3 weeks, all the other co-hosts dropped out of the picture, leaving me as Bonnie's only co-host.

Bonnie was ... a bit strange to say the least. She was very energetic, bubbly and talkative.

Basically, the anti-me.

The show lasted about two years. We even made the jump from cable access to our local Fox affiliate. Granted, the show came on at 5 a.m., right after a "Matlock" repeat every morning. We had maybe six people watching us at that hour and four of them were probably more wasted than me, which was a feat in and of itself.

I say all this because after losing touch with Bonnie for the last few years, I saw an article in the local paper last week that she's going to be appearing on "Trading Spaces" in February.

The article quoted the producers as saying that this was one of the funniest episodes they've ever done.

I can't imagine what Bonnie does to make it so funny.

I'm guessing she gets high and dry humps Ty for most of the hour. Lord knows that's what she used to do when I was on TV with her.

I'll try to remember to remind you to watch.

I taught Andrew how to type the other day.

Well ... I taught him that he didn't need to sit at the computer and bang haphazardly on the keys for entertainment. That if he focused and merely "tapped" the keys, he could form words on the screen.

We started with him typing the alphabet and later moved on to him typing his name and all the words he knows how to spell.

He typed out the whole alphabet in order and if that wasn't enough, he really blew me away.

He read the alphabet off the monitor and then added "Now I know my ABCs, next time won't you sing with me?"

The little bastard has NEVER uttered those lines. EVER. It's been a year since he had tubes put in his ears and his speech has gotten better, but he's still about 6-8 months behind the curve as far as speech goes.

Granted, he didn't sound like Julie Andrews, warbling the lines like a bird.

They came out stunted and gruesome. Very choppy. Basically he sounded like William Shatner after a devastating stroke.

But he STILL said it.

I was so happy with him. I snatched him up, took him in the den and said "Hon, listen to this!"

I sang the ABCs part and then handed the spotlight over to him to finish it with the last two sentences.

...Dead silence.

I've noticed he's dead set against performing for anyone. He doesn't do well on command.

But it'll happen again.

I just know it.

He might be 9 or 10 years old when he does it again.

But it'll happen.

I've got a busy, but fun day ahead of me today.

Basically, I'm a tour guide, shuttling 10 people from the state tourism department around the city all day.

We're having lunch at one place, a mid-afternoon reception at another and dinner at a local museum. Between all those we're visiting local tourism sites. Then tonight we get a VIP tour of the lights out at the Zoo.

Hey, it gets me out of the office. No complaints from me there.

And free food all day.

Sheee-it.

That's my kinda job, Hoss.