ANGELINA JOLIE WANTS ME

Well, I had a pretty weird experience last night.

While I don't live in NYC or Hollywood, there's still a few people who live in my city who have achieved notoriety over the years by doing various things.

This is kinda tough because I hate naming the city I live in, even though many of you already know what it is, and there are some of you who live in this city who read me and I have no idea who you are (paging Jennifer ... come out come out wherever you are).

Anyway, I have to go to this meeting last night which is a precursor to a 50th anniversary celebration in 2005 that will be paying tribute to a woman who's recently been allowed to sue Outkast.

I don't expect you to understand that last paragraph. In my efforts to come across as vague, I've actually come across as mentally handicapped. My apologies.

So anyway, I'm standing there and the Mayor of the city comes up and starts talking to me.

This is all well and good. I've talked to the Mayor now on a few occasions. We're not the close personal friends that I'd like us to be so that when I get pulled over with a car full of underaged teens and a bong in my hand I can just sneer at the cop and snark "Call the fucking Mayor, bitch!"

But he seems to know my name now, so that's cool.

Anyway, we're talking. And the best friend of the woman who's suing Outkast walks up and starts talking to the Mayor and me.

This woman is 92 years old and is known as a pioneer in the Civil Rights Movement. While her name isn't the household word that the Outkast suer is, she's still fairly well known.

While we're talking, one of our city's more famous men walks up and joins our little social circle.

This guy ... hmmmm ... I've seen him on television several times over the years, most notably gabbing it up with Katie Couric.

Oh.

He also had a TV Movie filmed about him, starring legendary B-movie actor, Corbin Bernsen.

(Whom I've met, by the way. NOT the most pleasant of chaps. Then again, he was in town for the ribbon cutting of an electronics store. He was probably wondering at what point did his career take the swan dive from starring on "L.A. Law" into ribbon cuttings for electronics stores.)

So there I am, standing in a small circle with the Mayor, a pioneer in the Civil Rights Movement and a guy who can entertain guests by saying "Y'all wanna watch the story of my life?" after dinner.

And all I can think about is the digital camera in my pocket and finding someone to snap a casual photo of us without coming across as semi-star struck.

Alas ... no photo.

But I at least have a memory that will live with me for the rest of my week.

Anyway, this once-in-a-lifetime meeting of the minds begat an unusual dream for me last night.

I dreamt I started dating Angelina Jolie.

I'm no fan of the woman. I've never seen any of her films and generally regard her as a classless psycho who wears jewelry full of blood and makes out with her brother in between getting tattoos and adopting war orphans.

But in my dream, she was pretty cool. And the fact that I really didn't care that much for her as a person presented a challenge to her. I was one guy that wasn't kissing her ass 24-7 and she seemed to like that.

I remember at what point, she and I were walking around a pool hand-in-hand and she jumped in the water fully clothed and begged me to jump in with her.

I removed my wallet from my pants and jumped in and we kissed as she pressed me up against the pool wall.

I made out with Angelina Jolie.

(Sorry ... just looking for extra Google hits with that last statement)

Anyway, the dream seemed to go on forever and even though she eventually became pretty sexy in the dream, I continued to just be all "Eh" with her which really turned her on.

Now ...

Not only did my impromptu meeting with a few historical legends inspire this dream, but it was also inspired by ...

Average Joe.

Here's a spoiler alert ... if you watch "Average Joe" and didn't see the finale last night, I'm about to kinda ruin it all for you.

I'd go down to the next break line if I were you.

Starting ... now, I guess.

Anyway, I couldn't believe the outcome of last night's "Average Joe". Hello? The name of the show is "Average Joe". And this ... this ... this WHORE picks the pretty boy over the Average Joe. She chooses a kid who looks like a teen idol who has no job and lives with his parents over a guy who's still handsome in his own way, and is found out to be a modest millionaire.

The good thing is ... the millionaire won't be hurting for dates anymore after that show. He came across as a great guy.

The thing he has to worry about are all the gold-diggers who are going to be coming out of the closet, looking for a piece of that average pie.

But I'm still pissed with the outcome. You just don't title a show like that, then set up a concept that this woman can choose between 16 or so average guys, throw three studs in the mix and have her go ga-ga over the studs.

That's one cruel fucking show in my opinion and didn't do a damned bit of good for all the superficial hussies in the world in helping them overcome the stigma that they'll take a good looking loser over an average Joe any day.

Yeah, so anyway ... enough ranting.

I need to let the people who've moved to the next break line back into the entry.

So yeah ... I can't believe that woman chose legendary pop singer Elton John as her "Average Joe".

That was one twist I certainly wasn't expecting.

Went to the ribbon cutting for Bonefish Grill yesterday afternoon.

It's a fancy restaurant specializing in seafood. Wendigo loves it but then again, she loves any fancy restaurant where families with small children can't go to because it's classy and quiet.

Plus, her husband slices up dogs and plays with their innards for a living so she can afford to eat there three times a week, whereas I'm the low man on the social circle totem pole at meetings and can barely scrape together the coinage to buy my kid a Happy Meal.

They brought out some appetizers to feed all of the people there for the ribbon cutting, but were very VERY skimpy on the portions.

There were maybe 20-25 people there for the ribbon cutting.

They brought out two appetizers. Some shrimp and ... I dunno ... whale blubber or some shit.

I ate two shrimp. They were good, but I wouldn't pay $14 apiece for them.

The waiter kept trying to offer me wine or a martini. I kept saying no, as I had to go back to the meeting I talked about earlier.

Good thing I said no.

About five minutes after we'd been there and everyone was drinking their "complimentary" drinks, the waiter started bringing everyone their bills.

Apparently they WEREN'T complimentary and a few people were taken aback that they were being charged for drinks that were pushed upon them.

Not me.

With two complimentary shrimp floatin' around in my belly, I hauled ass after the ribbon was cut.

Sayonara suckers!