ASK SADDAM

Dear Saddam,

When choosing a spider hole to live in, what are some of the more important features I should be looking for? My husband says "ease of escape" while my vote is for comfort and structure.

Thank you,

Mary Ellen Thompson

P.S. We love your show on CNN! You are so funny when you act all bewildered!

.....

Dear Mary Ellen,

Personally, I have to lean more towards ease of escape. This isn't to say your husband is right and should force you to wear a white veil for the rest of your life, but it may not be a bad idea. HA! I kid, I kid. But seriously ... with my penchant for always trying to find the perfect hole to live in, on top of the fact that hundreds of thousands of U.S. troops are up 24-7 trying to find me, it's always good to have a back door that you can go barrelling from into the night. Yet, comfort is important too. The last spider hole I was living in barely gave me room to lay down to rest. Talk about a nightmare! HA!

Sincerely,

Saddam

P.S. Thanks for watching the show! Sometimes I watch it and go "Gosh! I should have my hairdresser tortured and then buried alive!" Ha, ha, ha! I kid, I kid.

Dear Saddam,

I have an abnormal fear of dentists. In fact, I've never been to one. I think I may be suffering from tooth decay as nobody really wants to hang around me anymore due to my halitosis. Can you tell me anything that would help me get past this crippling fear?

Yours,

Steve Cherry

....

Dear Steve,

Dentists are nothing to fear. They are there to help you live a long and healthy life. I say you go to your dentist once every six years ... whether you need it or not! HA! I kid, I kid.

But seriously.

Be like Saddam and go to the dentist and get that problem checked out. If you have any problems resulting from the dentist, you let me know. I'll have his children decapitated and his wife torn apart by angry leopards right in front of his eyes! HA!

Rock on,

Saddam

Sadstah,

Wha's up, beeyotch? Why you be tryin' to horn in on my gig, bro'? You don't see my motherfuckin' ass all out in Bolivia or wherever tryin' to suppress yo' peeps ... so why you all be benedictin' up in my jizzoint? I'll fuckin' take yo' hairy ass down like a cheap assed Christmas tree, motherfucker, and feed you to my motherfuckin' lions like a gotdamned gladiating motherfucker, motherfucker.

You best back da fuck off now, beeyotch.

Andrew

Age 3

....

Drew Dogg,

Yo, yo, yo homeslice, don't be waltzin' in dis bitch frontin' on the Sizzaddizzam. I'm so bad ass I got Superman scared. I'll crush yo' lil' candy assed head under my boot like you was a cockroach. Bring it on, bitch ... BRING IT ON!

Saddam

The Shizzle in your nizzle

Yo Dog,

It's cool. It's cool. I's just wonderin' that's all.

Andrew

...

Yo,

That's what I thought.

Saddam