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6:37 a.m. - 2004-01-22

BROTHER CAN YOU SPARE A CRACKER?

Hey all.

First, thanks for all the well wishes. I appreciate every kind word and prayer sent my way yesterday.

Second, it looks like most of you have figured out what's going on tomorrow.

A colonoscopy.

I want to clear one thing up ... I don't THINK I have cancer. The doctor is doing this as a precaution because he didn't like what he found in my butt.

Or ... as he put it ... "It looks like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre in here!"

So I have to be on a liquid diet (no alcohol ... sorry) for two days.

Which is basically coffee (don't drink), tea (don't drink), water (drink), soft drinks (drink), diet drinks like Ensure (don't drink), clear broths (never drank until yesterday) and the one saving grace in all this ... fat free ice cream (eat like a mofo).

I'm now starting my second day.

And I honestly have no idea how I'm going to make it to the end of this day without gnawing a finger off or something.

I ate half a gallon of chocolate fudge fat free ice cream for dinner last night.

And lost three pounds yesterday.

Go me.

Today, I have to do what everyone says is the worst part of this whole thing.

I have to drink a gallon of this chalky, nasty stuff that ... for lack of a better term ... makes me shit my bowels out.

So tonight, I will be a cranky bastard because I'm starving and have had a throbbing headache for two days.

I have to drink a gallon o' crap that will leave me in the bathroom all night.

And here's the clincher ... I have to watch Andrew all night by myself since Susie's going to a seminar that she can't get her money back from.

I have no idea how I'm going to watch a kid who wants me to play trains or cards all night and NOT go potty.

Moral of the story?

Take care of your asses, kids.

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