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7:36 a.m. - 2004-03-08

TODAY ON MARTHA STEWART: HOW TO MAKE A DELIGHTFUL SHIV

Do you get the feeling that instead of Martha Stewart going to prison and being a scared little mouse, she's going to be the type of woman who will have packs of smokes rolled up in her sleeves and she'll emerge with the words "LOVE" and "HATE" tattooed on her fingers?

We've been told by various sources that she's one tough bitch in person.

Something tells me the women in various prisons throughout the nation are all a bit nervous about the possibility of sharing a cell with the woman.


So I worked a party last night.

It was the cast party for a local ballet company who had just wrapped up one of their productions.

Basically I'm playing a party for a slew of teenage ballerinas.

So naturally, I bring excerpts from "Swan Lake" to play. I figure ... they wanna blow off some steam after a grueling week-long schedule. What better way to do that then a few fancy dance moves where they're tiptoeing around the stage like a buncha swans in a lake?

Nope.

They wanna hear that goddamned "Milkshake" song.

For the record, I'd like to state that I am sick and f'n tired of the Milkshake already.

It is my new "Strokin". The song I get the most requests for that makes me cringe when I hear it.

I put the song on and the girls squeal as they line up to do some routine to the song while I casually jam knitting needles in my ears, trying desperately to puncture my eardrums to no avail.

So the song finishes and they all come running over to go through my book of songs that has become my Bible.

BALLERINA: "Ohmigod! Can you play 'Salt Shaker'?"

ME: "Are your parents here?"

BALLERINA: "Yes."

ME: "Then no. I can't play it."

BALLERINA: "Ohmigod! Can you play 'Work It'?"

ME: "Are your parents here?"

BALLERINA: "Yes."

ME: "Then no. I can't play it."

BALLERINA: "Ohmigod! Can you play 'Get Low'?"

ME: "Are your parents here?"

BALLERINA: "They just left."

ME: "Okay. It's coming up next."

It's a shame that today's music contains so much vulgarity. The kids just wanna dance to the beat. The parents are listening to the lyrics that say things like "Call me before you come over and I'll shave my choo-cha" and "Bitch, let me fuck you until your ass explodes."

At first, I wasn't going to play the "nasty" songs.

But after about an hour, I had worn out all the Justin Timberlake songs and had no choice.

I tested the waters with "Hot In Herre".

The clean version.

Which, even though it's clean, has the chorus "It's getting hot in here. So take off all your clothes."

Now then.

I'm a 42 year-old man.

I've got about 50 teenage girls in front of me.

I'm playing a song whose lyrics are suggesting that the girls take their clothes off.

And the girls' parents are all there.

I'm cringing.

I have no problem playing this song in a club full of adults.

This is different. I feel as if I'm not only warping the minds of these people's children, but I'm doing it right in front of them.

However, the parents didn't blink an eye.

Nobody bum-rushed the stage and screamed "How dare you suggest my daughter remove her clothing for your perverted seal of approval!!"

Maybe they were all well aware of the fact that the temperature was indeed steadily rising in the room and that it might be a bit more comfortable for their daughters to dance if they were to remove several pieces, if not all, of their apparel.

So I jumped head-first in the water and played "Work It".

Luckily, nobody broke out a razor to shave their choo-cha during the song.

And no parents freaked out.

In fact, one mother got up and danced with her 8 year-old daughter to it.

That gave me the courage to move forward and play the songs the kids wanted to hear.

And with each song, the dance floor got bigger and more energetic.

One kid, clearly having too much fun without any illegal substances coursing through his veins, asked me to play the song "Fuck It".

Aaaaaaand ... I finally drew the line at that one.

I blatantly turned down his request.

He was pissed but I told him that this was my job and I wasn't about to get fired over a song at a teen dance party.

He swore all the parents were drunk and weren't paying attention to the music.

And that may have been true.

But after the singer says "Fuck It" over and over again ad nauseum, I think their drunken ears may have perked up and at that point the jig would have most definitely been up.

Bottom line, I made a bunch of girls happy.

I did it without blatantly offending their parents.

And I've got one pissed off boyfriend of one of the girls mad at me for not playing his request.

I slept just fine last night, thank you.

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