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6:13 a.m. - 2004-03-11

WILL COME OFF COCKY AND ARROGANT FOR FOOD

You know who is REALLY starting to freak me the fuck out?

That guy in the Enzyte commercials.

The commercials about the natural male enhancement pills that give you erections that can chop wood?

And the guy who never says a word but has that huge smile on his face that won't go away?

Man.

Totally freaks me out.

At first I thought it was amusing ... the guy's so happy that he's got a hard-on from hell that he's constantly grinning ... ha ha.

But now?

He's really starting to scare me.

Especially that commercial with the Japanese businessmen making all the double entendres about his willie.

And he just sits there with that painful grin on his face, nodding his head slowly.

Screw "The Exorcist".

That guy creeps me out more.


So I went on my job interview yesterday.

I wouldn't be shocked if I didn't get it and I wouldn't be shocked if I did.

If ever I went on a job interview and walked out not really knowing how I did, that was the one.

I went in with the attitude that I wasn't going to take the job. That I was just there to see an old friend and kinda sharpen up my job interview skills.

So I didn't take it all that seriously.

This isn't to say that I was swinging from chandeliers in my underwear while beating my chest like Tarzan.

But I wasn't all "Yes Ma'am!" and "No sir!"

I was more "I'd need more money if I were to come on board."

...Which they agreed to pay me more money than was originally offered.

I also told them I DJ at night and would want to keep doing that.

They agreed that I could come in late each morning and leave early each afternoon. And that while this may be a "full time position", it's not a "40 hour a week job".

I told them that I was burned out on writing.

My friend in the interview hurriedly spoke up and said that she didn't think I was "burned out on writing" but that I was burned out working where I worked before.

I was all "Yeah. That's it."

I dunno.

After finding out that they'd pay me more money and I'd have a very relaxed schedule ... now I kinda want the job.

But by being so bold in the interview, I may have screwed it up.

Ah well.

If it happens, fine. If it doesn't, fine.

But there have been very few job interviews that I've gone on where I didn't get the job.

Usually I come across as fairly charming in my interviews.

This one I think I may have come off as arrogant.

We'll see.

Maybe they want to hire an arrogant prick.


Yesterday, 4 p.m.

I'm taking my daily afternoon nap when the doorbell rings about 281 times in succession.

I get up to answer the door and it's the neighborhood kids.

"Wanna be in a play?" they ask me.

Ahem.

You woke my ass up from my daily afternoon nap to ask me if I want to be in one of your goofy little plays out in the cul-de-sac??

No.

"Why not?" the oldest asked.

"Because I'm not an actor," I growled.

He explained that it was their Easter play at church and they needed men to walk around in a market scene and pretend they were shopping in the background.

Wonderful.

I was born to play this role.

"When is it?" I asked.

The kid told me to go talk to his Dad.

Now ... this isn't the first time the kid has shown up at my front door with some cockamamie story that turned out to not be true and he forced me to go talk to his Dad.

The last time was when he swore his Dad wanted to borrow my pressure washer and I went over to their house to tell him he could borrow it anytime and as it turned out, Dad didn't even know I had a pressure washer. The kid just wanted to play with it.

So I'm skeptical when the kid has me go talk to his Dad. I think he's trying to hook us up to be friends or something. Kinda like the neighborhood "Parent Trap".

I put on some clothes and ... well ... I had clothes on when I answered the door ... t-shirt and shorts. Don't think I answered the door naked. But it was cold so I put on a sweatshirt and jeans and went over to the neighbor's house.

It turns out that for once the kid was on the up and up.

My first practice session is tonight.

I'm really hoping I get to beat the crap out of Jesus like in that movie.

That'd be pretty cool.

I've always wanted to give Jesus a piledriver.

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