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7:01 a.m. - 2004-04-01

I'M THE POOR MAN'S GENE SHALIT

Susie and I went to a matinee of "The Passion Of The Christ" yesterday.

Or ... as it's known here in the South ... "Let's Open Up A Can Of Whup Ass On Jesus!"

Sorry, but I didn't get the whole "life-changing experience" that some people got from the movie.

I did get a sore ass though. Asking me to sit still for two hours while watching a guy get the shit kicked out of him the entire time doesn't do my butt muscles a whole lotta good.

For those of you who haven't seen the film yet, I feel that I've got to prepare you for one thing that you may not be expecting ... even though the film is rated "R", there's not a single titty shot in the film at all. Personally, I just find that irresponsible film making.

And it's not even in English. It's in some language that the actors just make up as they go along. It's a lot of grunting, growling and clicking of the tongue. About ten minutes into the film, I was yelling "Speak English, motherfucker!" at the screen until a pimply faced employee came in the theater and told me I was bothering the other patrons.

Well shit! At least the other patrons had a clue as to what I was trying to say!

It's a brutal flick. There's only a few minutes of the film where you're not seeing Jesus get his ass kicked. The rest of the film is just ass-kicking after ass-kicking.

And even though that may sound appealing to some people, it gets old after the first hour.

Mel Gibson must think we're all mentally retarded as he keeps driving home the same point over and over again for two hours. By the end of the film, I was all "We get it, Mel. You don't have to hit us over the head with the message again. You're pissed because the Irish killed Jesus. Sheesh. Enough already."

I give it two thumbs and a flaccid penis down.

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