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8:33 a.m. - 2004-05-03

THE NEXT HIT SONG OF 2004

As is customary ... whenever something happens that I'm really giddy about, I like to write a song about it.

Thus ... please let me indulge myself in a little tune.

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I'M NOT A GODDAMNED TELEMARKETER ANYMORE

(Spoken)

Hi boss

It's me.

The big bad Uncle B.

I won't be in to work today

Because I hate it.

(Singing)

The boss said "Son

This is no time to run

You can't just sit at home

And masturbate it."

Then listen to me, pleeeeeease

(Chorus)

I'm Not A Goddamned Telemarketer Anymore

You can find someone else to be your corporate whore

I'm tired of having people hanging up in my face

I count the fucking minutes until I can get out of this place.

You won't have to ask me when I'm coming to work no more

Because I'm Not A Goddamned Telemarketer Anymore.

(Verse 2)

Boss said "Are you sure that's the way you wanna go?

You're good at this game as you might well know."

I said "Boss, I hate the shit we have to do.

And if it's so damned great how come I've only signed up two?"

Boss said "If that's the way you want it to be,

Take your ass home now, go ahead and hit the street."

I said "Boss it would thrill me to walk out that door,

And proclaim I'm not a goddamned telemarketer anymore".

(Repeat chorus twice and then a kick-ass guitar solo, courtesy of guest guitarist Eddie Van Halen)

(Verse 3)

So now I sit at home during the day in peace,

The hundred or so phone calls every day have now ceased.

I'm focusing my time on becoming the best DJ in town,

Business is picking up and my name is getting 'round.

I have no idea what the future has in store,

I just know I'm not a goddamned telemarketer anymore.

(Chorus and then fade)

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