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8:01 a.m. - 2004-05-05

WHOOPI GOLDBERG SHOT JFK

So I get home last night at 1:30, climb into bed and start flipping around the channels on TV, trying to find something to intellectually stimulate me before bedtime.

Instead, I watched "Street Smarts".

I had never even heard of this show until stumbling across it last night.

It's a game show where they do a man on the street interview with people and then the contestants have to guess how the people on the street answered.

Here's the twist ... they only interview mentally handicapped people.

Usually these people look like crack whores and Burger King employees, so it goes without saying that drugs have played an important part in the deterioration of their brain cells.

The host asks these people simple questions like "Who was the first president of the United States?"

Then, two out of the three people usually have absolutely no clue when it comes to the answer and they just start babbling about boogers and stuff while one gets it right because the producers are holding up a large cue card off camera with the answer spelled out phonetically.

I must have mumbled the phrase "This is goddamned scary" to myself about 70 times during the course of the show.

Meanwhile, the two contestants on the stage aren't much brighter than the drooling idiots being interviewed on the street. Last night, they had some woman with humongous milk pillows who had conveniently left her bra in the front seat of a taxi cab and demonstrated her floppiness by hopping up and down like a bunny on amphetamines, nearly knocking herself unconscious with each hop.

When the show was finally, mercifully over, I tested myself.

I was now thoroughly convinced Walter Cronkite freed the slaves.

Just as I suspected ... this was goddamned scary.

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