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7:48 a.m. - 2004-05-17

A GUEST MOVIE REVIEW FROM MY SON ANDREW

(I'm sick with a cold today and not up to writing, so I'm letting Andrew take over for the day with a movie review. I should be back tomorrow.)

So me and the old man are kickin' back Sunday night when Dad says "How about we watch something other than Toy Story tonight?"

What?

Bitch don't like no "Toy Story"?!?

"Toy Story" fucking RAWKS, old man! Buzz Lightyear is the shiznit! That laser shit the motherfucker wields?!? It'll burn a hole in your fucking skin, know whut I'm sayin'?

But the old man swears he's got some movie that'll put "Toy Story" to shame.

I throw a fucking tantrum, y'know ... just to save face and let him know I'm not happy about this change in my nightly fucking routine, but I let him put it in anyway because I can tell he's about to kick my ass to infinity and beyond if I keep screaming and kicking.

So we watch this DVD called "The Wizard Of Oz".

Total puss movie.

Not one fucking laser or anything.

While the movie sucked sloppy whore anus, I have one major beef with the flick.

Dorothy and her posse get to the Wizard after a long journey and he says that he'll give them a brain, heart, courage and a one way ticket to Kansas (coach seat) if they bring him the Witch's broomstick.

So these four morons go off to find the Witch and snag her broomstick and face fucking DEATH on several occasions to get it.

I mean ... the fucking scarecrow gets his ass caught on FIRE for this shit, right?

So finally they figure out that the witch dies if she takes a shower, so they super-soak the green-skinned whore, snatch the broomstick and hightail it back to the Wizard.

They give the Wizard the broomstick, which is pretty tough to do since he's a disembodied floating head over flames which is kinda stupid because what are they going to do? Try to throw it in his floating mouth?

The Wizard's all "Welllll ... I'll think about givin' y'all all the shit I promised you" which kinda pisses off the posse because, like I said, they just got the shit kicked outta them old school style to get this fucking broomstick.

So they get all bitchy about it and the Wizard gets all bitchy about it and Toto, who's the only living being here with any sense, goes to pull back the mysterious curtain and they find out the Wizard is just some old pervert who gets his kicks out of forcing people to risk their fucking lives to get shit like broomsticks for no real reason.

So at this point, what do Dorothy and the Brainiacs do to the Wizard?

Beat the Wizard Shit outta him??

Slather the broomstick with their saliva and jam it up some Wizard Ass???

Force him to watch "Toy Story" over and over again???

Nope.

They're all "Gosh! So you're not a real Wizard after all. Darn our luck!"

And then the Wizard says shit like "Uhhhh ... Tinman ... dude ... you've got a heart" and the Tinman beams with pride because some perv just said he had a heart when he really doesn't.

And he hands the Scarecrow some piece of paper and tells the Scarecrow it's a diploma from Oz University when it really isn't, but that's cool because you're dealing with a guy who's brain dead anyway.

He pins this cheap-assed Dollar Store medal on the Lion dude and says "There. Now you've got courage, pussy." And the lion's all "I ain't scared of SHIT now, motherfucker!" but who really cares because the only thing he had to be scared about before was that witch thing that fucking Dorothy had to step up and kill anyway.

And then he's all "Shit Dorothy. I don't know how the fuck I'm gonna get your ass back home. All I've got is this big ass air balloon that I don't know how to work."

And Dorothy's all "Sounds good to me, con man."

Okay.

Think about it.

Let's say I send your ass out to get me a broomstick and if you bring it back, I'll comp some much needed brain surgery for ya, but you've got to deal with this freak-assed witch and some scary fucking monkeys to get it.

And they set your ass on fire.

ON MOTHERFUCKING F-I-R-E.

But you still get the shit.

And then you deliver it to me just like I asked and I'm all "Shit man! You BELIEVED THAT SHIT?!? HA! YOU ARE ONE DUMB BRAINLESS MOTHERFUCKER!!!"

Wouldn't you be just SLIGHTLY pissed?

Hell yes you would be. And you'd probably put several caps in my ass to repay the favor.

But Dorothy and the krew ... they're all "You really shouldn't be pulling that shit on people, dude. What else you got for us?"

Jesus Harold Christ.

That shit is soooo unbelievable.

Other than that, the movie's pretty on the level.

But that shit fucked it all up for me.

Word.

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