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6:49 a.m. - 2004-06-01

THIS IS WHERE IT GETS A BIT WEIRD

Yesterday I did something that I've wanted to do for 22 years.

More on that later.


Today's the day.

I had damned well better be receiving my Lightning Reaction Game today.

Here's the rules of the game:

Anywhere from two to four people can play at once. You remove a handle from the base and get ready. When you press the button in the center, a red light pulses and suspenseful music plays. As soon as the red light turns green, you press the red trigger button as quickly as possible. If you're the slowest player, you will get rewarded with a painful electric shock. If you were faster than your opponents, you can simply laugh as the loser screams in pain.

It sounds simple, but the suspense of waiting for the light to change is excruciating. You'll be tempted to press the trigger early... but don't! If you press it before the light changes, you get an electric shock and lose the game.

Now then ... is this one sick and twisted game or what?

I plan on taking it to the clubs, getting 16 people to enter a contest ... four groups of four. Each group will lose one player in each round, leaving a winner in each group. Then the four winners meet each other in the finals with the winner being the one guy who didn't get shocked the entire time.

That guy gets a cash prize. I'm hoping for $100. I think that's a fair prize to risk a nasty shock to your system.

There's several other ways you can use the thing in the clubs ... play and see which loser buys the next round of drinks, etc.

I say "et cetera" because I really can't think of any other ways right now.


I also bit the bullet and ordered a Super Karaoke machine and discs.

I was under the impression that the Karaoke wave had crested and subsided years ago.

Either I was dead wrong or it's finally catching on in the state of Alabama.

It seems that nearly every party I've done in the last six months and every club I've worked in people have wanted to do karaoke.

I even had to turn down a job in one of the hottest clubs in town who just wanted a Karaoke Jock one night a week because I didn't have the stuff (HELLO KODY! CALL ME! I'VE GOT KARAOKE NOW!!!)

So I ordered this new Karaoke machine that plays these Super Karaoke discs ... rather than just 10-12 songs on the disc ... these hold anywhere from 300-1,300 songs on each disc.

So I ordered three discs and will have 1,400 songs to choose from.

This means that I can instantly add $100 to my party fee for karaoke, which apparently people will gladly pay.

Honestly, I'm not too excited about going to parties and being forced to listen to drunks shred "Brown Eyed Girl" and "God Bless The USA".

But if it gets me more gigs, I believe I could spring for some ear plugs.


Now then ... the thing I did yesterday that I've been wanting to do for 22 years.

Actually, I could have done it at any time during the last 22 years ... it just wasn't always all that high on my priority list and oftentimes I just completely forgot about it for years at a stretch.

Care to make any guesses?

You there in the blue pajama top??

Noooo ... I already tried anal sex once. Can't say it was a big deal really.

You ... over there ....sitting in your cubicle with the cutesy cat crap all over your desk?

Noooo ... I haven't wanted to masturbate into a jelly jar since I was 15.

Anybody else?

Nobody??

Okay.

I'll give you a hint ... I'm thinking of changing my name to Reverend Bob now.

That's right ... I have now joined the ranks of Ordained Ministers.

My fascination with this started in 1982 when I was going to the University of Tennessee. I had a class with a guy named Reggie White who went on to become a big time NFL football player after he graduated UT.

Reggie was an ordained minister back then and I just thought that was soooo cool ... a college kid was an actual minister.

I saw the ads in the back of Rolling Stone magazine saying that they could ordain anyone to become a minister but never really followed up on it.

Then yesterday I was reading something on the web about somebody being an ordained minister and I thought "Gee. You never got around to that, did ya?"

So I did a Google Search for "Become An Ordained Minister".

I found a website that will ordain anyone to become a minister for free.

And now ... I am the Right Reverend Bob.

I can marry people.

I can bury people.

I can even abolish your sins.

I'm debating though on what official title I want. I think "Right Reverend" is pretty cool.

But I could also be a Rabbi.

Or even a Swami.

Or a High Priest.

Or an Arch-Bishop.

Regardless ... I am now starting my own church.

THE CHURCH OF ROCK AND ROLLLLLL!!

(HOWWWWWWLLLLL!!!)

See ... I can now work in the clubs as Reverend Bob, the official minister of the Church of Rock and Roll.

I could even marry people in the clubs. Find some hot chick you'd like to engage in the sweaty sheet tango with but she won't give it up until you make a commitment??

Just waltz over to the DJ booth and in five minutes ... BOOM!! You're married!!

Well ... provided you have a marriage license on you and I remember to submit the license to the Judge of Probate.

Anywhoooo ... now I can perform the wedding AND DJ the reception!

Just one more thing I can add to my repertoire!

So please ... start referring to me as Reverend Bob from here on out.

And if you've got any sins to confess, leave 'em on the Comments page.

Peace be with you, my child.

(See?? I'm a NATURAL at this!!)

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