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3:55 p.m. - 2004-07-15

HOW TO BE AN ASSHOLE

If you know somebody that wears the same clothes over and over again, walk up to the person and say really smug "New shirt, Stan?"

Just make sure you're wearing either a new shirt or one you haven't worn in a while. Because it's kind of embarrassing when your pit stains are pointed out by the victim.


The next time somebody is discussing someone who recently passed away, snidely say "Oh ... that fag died?"

Even if the dead person was gay, it's still a pretty assholey thing to say.


When you see kids trying to earn money at a lemonade stand, you can either tell the kids you have a concealed weapon and start pouring their lemonade on the sidewalk as they watch helplessly. Or you can drink it all and tell them that you'll pay them "tomorrow".


During important business meetings, when your opinion on a matter is asked for, simply reply "I don't know. I'm so goddamned horny I can't focus."


Punch everyone you see in the gut, but pretend it's a good natured jab. If someone threatens to hit you back, remind them that you carry a concealed weapon (even if you don't).


Demand that everyone calls you "Fonzie" from now on. When people don't call you "Fonzie" ... concealed weapon city.


Rather than brush your teeth three times a day, spend that time wedging pieces of pork and chicken in your teeth instead.


When someone tries to confide something to you that is very personal, keep tugging at their lips while they try to talk.


Read these and many more tips in my new book "How To Be An Asshole And More Delicious Summer Recipes" to be released Fall 2004.

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