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9:13 a.m. - 2004-07-22

JUST A BUNCH OF CRAP TODAY, KIDS

In a shocking turn of events, Dennis Kucinich has thrown in the towel and will be ending his campaign to become the Democratic candidate for the Presidency.

Sources say that Kucinich decided to give up when it was pointed out to him that ... well ... fuckin' John Kerry already became the candidate months ago.

When pressed for a comment, Kucinich put the bong down and said "Dude! I was wondering why I hadn't been invited to any debates lately. What a buzzkill!"


I have GOT to get outside and mow the yard this morning.

Temperatures by 10 a.m. are supposed to be 97 degrees with a heat index of 105.

Yeah.

I'm REALLY looking forward to that.

(Ladies and gentlemen ... please put your hands together and give a big warm Diaryland welcome to ... sarcasm)


My son Andrew is a freak.

I make no bones about it ... the kid is w-e-i-r-d.

More than half of the things he says are chunks of dialogue from either "Dora the Explorer" or "Blue's Clues".

We'll be eating dinner and ask him how his day at daycare went.

ANDREW: "Do you see a clue?? WHERE? Over there? Oh look ... it's a paw print! You just figured out Blue's Clues! We just figured out Blue's Clues, we just figured out Blue's Clues, we just figured out Blue's Clues, because we're really smart!"

ME: "Andrew, do you want juice or milk?"

ANDREW: "Who do we go to when we don't know which way to go? The map! The map, that's right! Can you look in my backpack and find the map?"

ME: (mumbling) "Fucking idiot".


I was told by Dennis' parents last night that he made $9 selling lemonade on Tuesday.

I almost said "No ... he made $9 to leave people the fuck alone."

Alas, I just smiled and rocked back and forth on my heels.


I just got some spam with the subject line "Why did you tell everybody I had AIDS?"

Because I run around all day spreading rumors about people having AIDS, I figured I'd better open the email and find out whose life I had destroyed this time.

Alas ... it was a plea to buy Viagra from somebody with no mention of me screwing up their social life.

Damned spam subject lines!!


I have an ingrown whisker on my face.

Luckily, it's covered up by my manly goatee that I'm sporting now.

I know, I know ... you didn't need to know that.

Temporary lack of judgement on my part.

It won't happen again.


I've got a boil on the head of my penis.

HA!

Just kiddin' ya! Not really!

But I did watch "Bubba Ho-Tep" yesterday (weird film. Can't say I was properly entertained by it) and this guy has a growth on his penis head and that's what made me type that.

I couldn't listen to all that penis head boil shit in the film.

It made me cringe.

I can't imagine having a boil on the head of my penis.

If that ever happens, you can just cut the bitch off. I don't ever wanna use it again.

The penis, not the boil.

Guess it pays to clarify that kind of thing, huh?


I didn't get around to trying the new Glazed Doughnut Flavored Chunky Drink from Krispy Kreme yesterday.

Mainly because I'm NEAR diabetic (thank you modern technology!)and one sip of that shit would probably kill me.

Two more sips would probably bring me back to life with a jolt to my system that would rival one of them there heart starting pads they use on "ER" all the time while they're screaming "CLEAR!!" and the bodies are bouncing off the surgery tables like humongous popcorn kernels.

But damn.

I sure do WANT to try it.

Maybe I'll just stop by there today and ask for a sniff.

I wonder if they'd let me sniff the drinks in there?

Probably so.

It's not like Krispy Kreme employees have a set of morals that would prevent them from doing so.

They're dope peddlers for fat people, fer chrissakes.

They barely have a conscience.


Welllll ... I've put off mowing the yard long enough.

Birds are dropping out of the sky from the heat as I type.

Wish me luck.

Seriously.

Wish me luck you ungrateful bitch.

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