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7:54 a.m. - 2004-08-12

THE AMAZING STINKY COUCHWOMAN

You gots to love the Couchwoman.

(Don't click the link if you're currently eating chocolate fondue.)

This is a woman who took five of the seven deadly sins and wrapped them all up into a nice little 480-lb. package while she sat on a couch for six years.

For those of you who find it morally appalling to click on links, I'll share. This woman in Florida had sat on a couch for six years, not moving to even go potty and finally her body had grafted onto the couch, making the woman and couch one single being.

The people who went to remove her from the house said "it stunk".

Holy cow, what an understatement.

Can you IMAGINE the stench? Clothes that haven't been changed in six years covered in peepee and poop and more than likely a few thousand pepperoni stains?

Not to mention the mountain of used Maxi Pads gathered at her knees.

Her friend that lived with her said he did the best he could to get her to "get up", but she wouldn't budge.

FRIEND: "Get up, Gayle."

GAYLE: "No."

FRIEND: "C'mon Gayle. Scoot over. I wanna watch wrestling."

GAYLE: "No."

FRIEND: (Going outside) "Bitch."

GAYLE: "Bitch?!? Bitch?!? I'd kick your ass if I could have this couch surgically removed from my stanky backside!"

My mind starts to boggle when I think of this situation.

Did the woman KNOW she was never going to move again once she sat down on that couch in 1998? Did she sink into that couch and say "Goddamn! This is one comfy couch! I ain't never movin' again!" Because I've been there. There's this massage chair in Brookstone that I said the same thing about. But my fat ass finally got out of it before I shit in the chair.

After the first time she shat all over the couch on that second day, did she even stop to wonder if it was Scotch garded?

Did she keep the TV remote in her belly button?

Had she managed to get up with the couch grafted onto her back, would she had tried to lead a normal life? Grocery shopping with a shit-soaked La-Z-Boy stuck to her ass while clumsily flirting with a repulsed produce boy?

I have all sorts of questions for this amazing woman.

Unfortunately, they can't be answered because she died as they tried to rip the couch off her back.

They shouldn't have even tried to remove the couch. They should have just got a Ringling Brothers representative to come to the house with a contract and taken her out on the road as a sideshow attraction.

"The Amazing Stinky Couchwoman".

I'm not sure how big of a draw it'd be, but I'd go to see her.

And wish with all my might that I got to see the big machine poop while I was there.

So I could design a t-shirt that said "I Saw The Amazing Stinky Couchwoman Shit And All I Got Was This T-Shirt".

Then on the back I'd print "Wanna smell it?"

I think people would have come to see Couchwoman.

Definitely more people than have gone to see "Catwoman" anyway.

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