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8:23 a.m. - 2004-08-16

I MEAN ... WHAT COMES OUT? BONE MARROW?

While I really don't expect an honest answer to this question, I'm going to ask it anyway ... Can a guy with one testicle still successfully masturbate?

And by "successfully", I mean "spoot a few teaspoonfuls of semen all over himself".

I ask because ... well ... our nephew Pervy and his brother and sister were here Saturday night.

Everything was going smoothly. We were watching a "Family Guy" marathon.

We fixed pizzas and everyone ate pizza.

My niece went to take a 15 minute long dump while we continued to watch TV.

While I thought this was unusual, it was normal compared to Pervy.

Pervy gets up quietly to go use the bathroom at 8:45 p.m.

At 9:00, Susie announces that it's time to drive the nephews and niece home (their parents were on vacation out of town and ... well ... long boring story as to why they were at our house).

We all do the "Where's Pervy?" look.

We decide to give him five more minutes.

9:05.

No Pervy.

AT 9:25 IN THE FUCKING EVENING ... 40 MINUTES AFTER THE CREEPY LITTLE BASTARD ENTERED THE BATHROOM ... his sister (the 15-minute pooper) goes to knock on the door and says "Pervy ... wrap it up. It's time to go."

The kid exits about 2 minutes later.

No flushing.

No errant poopy smell lingering in the air.

Just Pervy ... looking mighty ... uhhhh ... like he doesn't want to make eye contact with anyone.

And they leave.

Now then ... I can't PROVE that the kid was whacking it silly in there for 45 minutes.

But I know he wasn't pooping.

And he DOES have to share a bedroom with his younger brother so the kid's gotta work in whack time whenever he can find it.

But I feel as if our house has become some sort of aphrodisiac for the kid.

He walks in here and is overcome with the insatiable desire to jack off.

I dunno.

He might decorate Grandma's bathroom with dried cum splotches as well.

I know I have.


And pleeeeease ... don't tell me "Just don't let him come in your house if he makes you uncomfortable."

That'd be fine if he were a neighbor kid.

But this is Susie's nephew. Her brother's kid.

We pretty much HAVE to let him come in the house.

I mean technically we could chain him up in the garage every time the family comes to visit or leave him out in the driveway reading a dog-eared Playboy or something.

But then you get the whole "Cops showing up and arresting you" thing going and frankly, my ass is too pretty to go to jail.

I'm just venting here.

Not looking for solutions.

Thanks though.

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