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7:33 a.m. - 2004-08-18

I'VE GOT ALL THE ANSWERS

I am relieved to report that I have managed to completely avoid this sickness going around that is commonly referred to as "Olympic Fever".

I've gotta admit ... I've never been a huge fan of the Olympics. The most I ever watched the events was in '96 when the crazy bomber guy bombed the Atlanta Olympics. Hoooo boy! Dat's some good TV, Pa!

But the other night they had a buncha guys jumpin' around on some bars and shit. Andrew was preoccupied with his trains, but I wanted to gauge his interest in the Games.

"Andrew, look!" I said, directing his attention to the television. "That guy's gonna jump up on the bars and twirl around and not get dizzy!"

Andrew looked at the TV for about 10 seconds and went back to playing with his trains.

I watched a few minutes longer and realized that there wasn't ANYBODY in the stands watching this event.

Let's say there were 8,000 seats in the arena. There may have been 20 people up there watching.

Even the PARENTS of these kids were all "Gee, we'd love to come watch you twirl around and shit, but ... well ... we need to go buttfuck some sheep."

(I lived in Athens from 1976-78. Trust me ... they buttfuck sheep more than they brush their teeth there.)

And it wasn't my imagination (the empty seats, not the sheep buttfucking). Olympic organizers are now "scrambling" to fill those seats so that the Olympics don't look like a collossal failure.

How do they go about doing this???

They open up MORE ticket booths around the area.

Ahem.

Lemme get this straight ... nobody's coming to these events and the Greeks' solution is to open up MORE ticket booths?

Something tells me that the current ticket booths aren't exactly being bombarded with people demanding tickets.

It's like if McDonald's decided they wantes to start selling new McShitburgers made of real cow shit.

And then when the burgers don't sell, McDonald's thinks they just need to open MORE restaurants offering the McShitburgers.

Sorry Greek Olympic Organizers, but McShit is McShit. People have plenty of opportunity to buy the tickets ... they're just passing on them.

My solution is to give the tickets away free or to "paper" the event. Get some of those filthy Greek sheepfucking schoolchildren in those seats and at least make it LOOK like people are interested in the events.

Hell, promise them they'll all get a sheep if they show up.

And for the really poor kids, offer them a goat.

Poor Greek kids love 'em some goat rectum.

Trust me.

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