VH1 SAVED MY LIFE

Still sick. Duh.

I haven't left the house since Monday and have rarely left the bed, so it's not like I have a ton of adventures to tell you about.

On Tuesday, I coughed so hard at one point I thought I ruptured a testicle.

That's about it.

And for all intents and purposes, I may HAVE ruptured a testicle.

I'm no testicle doctor so I can't say for sure.

Been watching a lot of movies and TV lately as one might imagine.

And I can honestly report that if you're not watching the new show "Totally Obsessed" on VH1 at 11 pm EST/10 pm central, then you're a big ol' fuckfart.

This is a show that exploits the mentally ill in our society by focusing on their strange obsessions.

Last night, they had a lady who loves these lifesized cardboard cutouts from "Lord Of The Rings".

She has ... I dunno ... six of them around the house.

They film her and her husband and daughter going out to dinner.

...And this crazy lady brings two cardboard cutouts of that Gollum freak with her.

(For those of you like myself who aren't interested in "Lord Of The Rings", Gollum is a creepy little monkey bastard that talks like a baby gargling razor blades.)

So the waiter comes to take their order and the crazy lady asks the cutouts what they want to eat.

...And she answers herself in this Gollum voice.

...For BOTH of the cutouts.

...And then the two cutouts get in a verbal argument.

...This lady is voicing two cardboard cutouts having an argument and her fucking family are just staring at their menus while she puts on this insanely scary act for the waiter.

Ladies and gents, that had to be one of the best moments in television history EVER.

Here's her daughter ... I dunno ... maybe 11 years old ... not exactly mortified that Mom's a fucking psycho, but being nonchalant about it because MOM DOES THIS SHIT 24-7 WHEREVER SHE GOES BECAUSE SHE'S (drumroll please) TOTALLY OBSESSED.

The people on this show are nucking futs. There's no two ways about it.

And as if it couldn't get any better ... Fred Willard's the host.

Fred "The Shining Light In Every Christopher Guest Film" Willard is the host.

Because it's on VH1, it's probably shown several dozen times during the day.

But I've been watching it when the late news comes on as a gleeful alternative to rising gas prices and American soldiers being murdered in Iraq.

Do yourself a favor and catch this show.

You'll thank me for it.

MOVIES I'VE WATCHED IN THE LAST THREE DAYS:

1) "Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star": Couldn't finish watching it ... was in extreme pain while it was on. Couldn't tell if it was from the pneumonia or the actual film itself. Figured while I couldn't control the pneumonia, I could control the DVD and turned it off.

2) "From Dusk Til Dawn": I love this movie. The first half hour is pretty uncomfortable as it shows you just how bad these badasses George Clooney and Quentin Tarrantino can be. But that's a credit to the film. And like they say in the Director's Commentary ... the first hour of the film you don't even realize that it's a vampire movie.

3) "Go!": A teen "Pulp Fiction". Once again, I love this movie. The part where Jay Mohr and Scott Wolf run over a girl in a parking lot and scream like women makes me bust out laughing every time I see it. Which would be twice.

4) "High Fidelity": I bought this DVD a while back and never watched it. I had seen bits and pieces on TV over the years but never the whole thing. While it's a decent movie, I just don't have the love for it that I thought I would. I can't put my finger on why. Sorry.

5) "Flirting With Disaster": Still a great movie. Great, great movie. If you've never seen it, you must rent it. I promise you, if you like this diary, you'll love this movie.

That's it. I'm tired. Back to bed for another 23 hours.