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7:30 a.m. - 2004-09-08

CONFESSIONS PART III

As I laid in bed last night ...

Is the correct term "laid"?

It wouldn't be "lie", would it?

"As I lie in bed last night" sounds wrong.

Anyway, I was stretched out across my mattress last night watching "Blind Date" when I got the same feeling I always get when I watch the show.

Well, besides the "There goes another couple of thousand brain cells" feeling.

I am CONVINCED that I would be an awesome blind date.

Because ... and here's my secret weapon ... I know what the ladies want.

And that is ... ferocious acts of sodomy.

HA! I keed, I keed!

Actually, having read "Men Are From Mars, Women Just Wanna Babble Their Asses Off" I learned that the most important present you can give a woman is the gift of pretending to listen to her.

You don't even have to really listen. Just pretend. Keep your eyebrows low, stare at her mouth and nod your head knowingly every now and then while you mentally undress her and baby ... it won't be long until you're really undressing her.

It seems women have a major problem with getting people to listen to them.

Maybe because 90% of what they have to say is trite bullshit to begin with.

HA! I keed! I keed!

But I watch "Blind Date" and most of the guys on there are hellbent on finding out if they're going to be getting their dip sticked at the end of the night.

I wouldn't do that.

I'd sit there at the dinner table or bar or hot tub or wherever, ask the lady a question like "How was your day?" and then start mentally undressing her as she babbled about traffic or some crazy shit.

I'm telling you ... it would work!

After the woman got finished gabbing, she'd think "Gosh ... this guy actually listens to me! I think it's time we busted out the boobies!"

And ... BINGO!

I'd be all up in that cleavage like a malnutritioned infant.

Sadly, I've been with the same woman for 18 years and my chances of going on a successful blind date right now are slimmer than Mary Kate Olsen.

I still do the whole "pretending to listen" scam with my wife.

But I'm no longer mentally undressing her or hoping for sex in return.

I've just learned it's best to not try and get a word in edgewise while she's venting about people at work.


But don't be fooled into thinking that I had these amazing "dealing with women" skills all my life.

Nope.

It wasn't until I read "Men Are From Mars, Women Can't Stop Gabbing" that I learned it.

Before reading that book, I was a failure at dating.

I'll be the first to admit it. The only reason I married my wife is because she was the first person who didn't give me the vibe that she was about to leave me once a week.

Looking back on the days when I was 21 and 22 years old (the average age of the "Blind Date" contestants), I was ... hmmmmm ... a strange duck who couldn't stand for my girlfriends to talk to another man.

Gawd.

I was one insecure bastard.

I went into a jealous rage once because a girlfriend admitted that she had went out roller skating with a friend and ended up talking to another guy at one point during the night.

No kissing or flirting. Just talking. Like "I need to rent a size 6 skate, please" kinda talking.

A few days later, she broke up with me.

Ya think I learned from the experience?

Oh hellllll no.

Looking back, I smothered every woman I went out with until I met my wife.

I have no idea what my wife did to get a "Get Out Of Uncle Bob's Jail" card, but from the first few months of our courtship, I would constantly let her go out dancing with her friends while I stayed home and slept.

But before her ... sheesh. I treated my girlfriends like prized heifers always afraid they were going to get sick and die on me so I had to constantly be by their side to make sure nothing funny happened.

In my life, I've had a slew of one-night stands.

But that's only because the girls figured out what a psychotically insecure freak I was after the sex and said "Uhhhh ... thanks for the wiener but we'll pass on the emotional domineering, if you don't mind."

In closing ... I would kick ass on "Blind Date" now and be so charming that the producers wouldn't have any of those wise cracks to say about me during the filming of the date.

But 20 years ago???

My date would be jumping out of the car at a red light and running into the more-loving arms of Jeffrey Dahmer.

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