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7:25 a.m. - 2004-09-28

SKIPPY AND THE MAGICAL FLUTE


For those of you wondering, everything is fine between me and the Mrs.

She was giving me the silent treatment for the third day in a row and I said if she wanted me to leave, I would. I didn't WANT to leave, but if that was her wish, so be it.

She didn't want me to leave.

Which is good.

Because I seriously didn't have any place to go.

Luckily, she didn't call my bluff.

So I told her to drop the silent treatment because it had gone on long enough ... I apologized for what I had said (I believe that when you die, you rot in a box and not magically fly up to Heaven like a lame David Copperfield stunt) ... and I'm back to fake listening to her stories about her day.



Today is like a DVD Christmas for me.

First, the third season of Strangers With Candy. I've been waiting for this release for years. While at one time I had every episode on videotape, I accidentally taped over this season's shows. Yes ... I weeped when I discovered my ignorance. Today I weep again ... this time with joy.

Gawd. I'm sooooo maudlin.

Also today ... RAMONES RAW!!! This will help me get over Johnny's recent death a little easier. I hope. God. I can't believe the Ramones are gone except for the drummer. And seriously ... who wants to see the Ramones drummer live by himself? Every song had the exact same beat. The drummer (Tommy ... later Marky) should have been the FIRST to die!

Okay ... that didn't need to be said. I apologize.

Me and my damned stupid mouth and death discussions.

You'd think I woulda learned by now.



My mother-in-law is on one of her kicks again.

It seems she's selling some product that she found on the Internet and thinks she's going to be filthy rich someday by doing so.

It's a liquid drink that gives you more energy than you'll know what to do with.

...Like there's not enough of those on the market today.

But this one is different, because it's not sold in stores, it costs $80 a bottle and it's not regulated by the FDA.

Yum! Sign me up, Granny!

As it turns out, she REALLY wants me to be one of the blocks in her pyramid to help her recruit people to sell this stuff.

I have politely told her I wasn't interested.

She politely said I needed to reconsider and at least try the product and listen to their conference calls that they have every night.

She went so far as to BUY one of these $80 bottles and gave it to us to try.

I tried it this morning.

It was like drinking rust.

And so far, an hour later ... I'm not ready to paint the entire house.

My energy level rivals the energy of a one-legged sloth right about now.

Plus, whatever company this is keeps sending me emails each day with subject lines like "Uncle Bob, why haven't you signed up?" and "Uncle Bob, what are you waiting for?"

Oh, I dunno. An FDA regulation, perhaps?

This isn't the first time she's tried to corral me into some pyramid scheme.

When I first married her daughter, she dragged me to some seminar where people were selling these brownies that gave you massive amounts of energy.

I'm not sure if it was the brownies or the cocaine bumps they snorted in the bathroom, but the people conducting the seminar provided a major creep factor in the room.

I didn't climb on to that boat either and a month or two later, Granny stopped selling the brownies when she realized nobody wanted to sign up under her to sell the damned things door to door.

Yeah.

That's what I'm going to do with MY money. Sit at home and wait for a total stranger to show up at my door to sell me brownies at $10 apiece that will give me massive amounts of energy.

Duhhhhh ... sure! I'm positive the brownies aren't laced with PCP or anything because you're selling them door-to-door and you look friendly! Give me ten of those bad boys!

THINK IT THROUGH, GRANDMA!!!

Sheesh already.

So anyway, she is HOUNDING me to jump on this illegal bandwagon so that she can make money off of me.

I'm just avoiding her these days until she finally drops out of the business and goes back to being a Grandma that doesn't hound her son-in-law to sell suspicious energy drinks for her.

It ain't easy being me.


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