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7:50 a.m. - 2004-10-01

CALLING ALL HUMAN BEACH BALLS

Hey.

Hey you.

Yeah ... you ... ya fat ass.

That's one big fat ass you've got there, fat ass.

Lemme tell you what you need to do TODAY there, fat ass.

Go rent "Super Size Me", ya fat ass.

I did.

And lemme tell ya ... no more fatty foods for me.

I'll be damned if I'm going to let YOU call ME "Fat Ass" after watching that flick.

Holy moley.

I doubt I eat anything for a month now.



Hey ... sorry about the "fat ass" thing.

Seriously ... don't be so sensitive about it. I've never even SEEN your ass.

Plus, I wasn't talking about YOU. I was talking about that other fat ass reading this.

Yeah.

That one.



Hey, I need some help from you computer literate peeps out there.

In my email (Outlook Express, anytime that anybody sends me an attachment, I can't open it because I get the message "OE removed access to the following unsafe attachments in your mail:" and then it lists the attachment like "hotbabeshowingherboobies.jpg" or something like that.

So like ... how do I fix that?

For the record, I have McAfee V-Shield for my virus scan.

If you could drop me an email and give me a step by step instruction on how to bypass that shiznit so I can see hot babes showing their boobies on a regular basis, me and my trusty penis will be forever grateful to you and your mad computer skillz yo.

Thanks.

(ETA: I've had 7 people already tell me how to fix this, so I no longer need help. And since all 7 told me the same thing, I believe they're on the up and up and not trying to screw me and have my computer explode or anything. Thanks all!)



I hate Karaoke Night at the club.

I know ... I know ... I've bitched about this before.

But I am SOOOO SICK of the same people singing the same songs every single week and thinking that they are the world's greatest entertainers while doing so.

Here's a dose of reality, folks.

You're NOT a superstar.

You're singing karaoke in a bar where nobody is paying you a bit of attention.

So drop the ignorant dance steps while you're singing, learn at least ONE new song to sing, quit hogging the karaoke mic and never ... I repeat ... NEVER twirl the microphone by its cord to entertain yourself.

The bastard that broke my microphone last night by doing so is permanently on my shit list now. That's $50 out of my pocket and now I have to go buy another mic.

Here's the worst part ... I had a decent dance floor going, playing some vintage Nirvana, Nine Inch Nails and Clash of all things.

Then a guy comes up wanting to sing Billy Joel's "New York State Of Mind".

Or as I like to call it "The Instant Crowd Killer Song".

But because I am Joe Customerservice and have made it my mission to ALWAYS please the customers, I put the karaoke disc in and call him to the dance floor.

He sings the song off key, clearing the dance floor and sending about 30 people out the door.

He then wants to do the Eddie Rabbitt/Crystal Gayle duet "You and I" with the DJ that I had to fire when I first took over that makes me uncomfortable whom I wrote about here a few weeks ago but am too lazy to go searching for the link.

So they do this duet which is so off key that stray dogs are behind the club committing doggy suicide to put their ears out of misery.

Naturally, this causes the rest of the crowd to leave.

This is at 10:10 p.m. last night. Which is early for a club.

At 10:15 last night, I was down to two people in the club. Both regulars and chronic alcoholics.

They take a look around at the empty club and even THEY decide to call it an early night.

So rather than saying I hate karaoke night, let's say that I hate karaoke hogs who think that everyone wants to hear them sing all night long.

They don't.

And if I could, I'd gift wrap you a life with a pretty pink bow on top.

Because you definitely need to get one.

Grrrrrr!

(Am I in a great mood today or what?)

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