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7:18 a.m. - 2004-10-04

RETURN OF THE DRUNK

I had a strange phone call yesterday morning.

While I could tell you the story of the call, I find it much more convenient to include a primarily fabricated transcript like everyone else does because I do not tape record every phone call I receive and my memory is for shit so I can't remember everything that was said.

ME: Hello?

VOICE: I want to suck you.

ME: What?

VOICE: Oh ... sorry. That was part of the fabricated part of this transcript. Hey Bob, this is Chris.

ME: Uhhhhh ... hi Chris?

(I have no idea who Chris is)

CHRIS: Chris Stevens. We worked together back in the late 80s at that bar. I was one of the bartenders.

ME: Oh! Hey Chris! Man, I haven't heard from you since ... man ... since you left the bar!

CHRIS: Actually Bob, I was fired from the bar. I was stealing bottles of booze.

ME: Wow. I didn't know that. How have you been?

CHRIS: Not good, Bob ... not good. I got married in '91, had a little girl and then threw my life away on booze and drugs.

ME: The American Dream, huh Chris?

CHRIS: What?

ME: Nothing.

CHRIS: Anyway, my life was pretty bad back then. I declared bankruptcy, my wife left me and took my little girl and I spiralled out of control for several years.

ME: (thinking he wants money for drugs) Wow. Hey! I was in a car wreck that cut my body off just below my ribcage! Yep! I'm like a head, shoulders, arms and that's it! Collect disability and everything! I walk around on my hands and blow total strangers for rent money!

CHRIS: I'm not calling to borrow money.

ME: Ah. Well, I'm not really a human freak show either.

CHRIS: What I'm calling about is to apologize for wronging you in the past.

ME: Huh?

CHRIS: I sold you a bag of pot that was crap in 1988 or so. I took advantage of you and for that, I'm sorry.

ME: Huh??

CHRIS: (sighing) I sold you a bag of pot ...

ME: I heard you. I don't remember ever buying pot from you though.

CHRIS: I wasn't a dealer. I just bought a bag and smoked some of it. It was shit and you said you needed pot so I sold it to you knowing it was shit.

ME: Sorry man. I bought lots of bags of shit in my day. I don't specifically remember this bag of shit.

CHRIS: Well, I did it and I want to apologize. I'm in Alcoholics Anonymous now and they want us to call people that we've wronged in the past as a result of our boozing and apologize.

ME: Wow. No shit?

CHRIS: Yeah. It's part of the 12 steps.

ME: So you're not drinking anymore?

CHRIS: Not for the last 58 days.

ME: Know where I can get some pot?

CHRIS: Uhhhh ... I'm not doing drugs either. I'm sober now.

ME: Eh. Me too. It's nice to a point except for every time someone mentions pot I crave the shit for about two months and then it goes away. Well ... good for you, man. I'm glad to hear you've got your life on track.

CHRIS: Thanks. One more thing, Bob.

ME: What's that?

CHRIS: I used to hit on your wife constantly when we were working.

ME: You did?

CHRIS: Yeah. I really wanted to get with her.

ME: Wow. If you had just told me, I'm sure we could have worked out some sort of deal ... you know ... sex for pot kinda thing. Just make sure the pot's not shit! Ha ha ha ha ha!

CHRIS: (uncomfortable) Well, I just want to apologize for trying to interfere in your marriage.

ME: No biggie, Chris. It was the bar scene. I was wasted from '86 'til '91. That whole five year period's a haze. Shit. I got married at some point in that period and barely remember it. It's like a bad dream or something.

CHRIS: Yeah. Well ... good luck with everything in life and once again, I'm sorry.

ME: Hey, you too, man. Don't be selling any second-hand bad weed to anyone!

CHRIS: Huh? Oh. Yeah ... uhhhhh ... yeah. Bye.

ME: Don't drink and drive!

*CLICK*



I told Susie about it when she got home from church and asked her why she didn't ever tell me Chris was hitting on her.

"He was hitting on me?" she asked.

"That's what he said," I said.

"I don't remember that," she said. "He'd talk about my boobs and stuff, but everyone did that."

"They did?"

"Hell yes, they did! I was a legitimate 38-24-36 back then and worked as a cocktail waitress. Duh-huh!"

This was news to me.

It kinda bummed me out.

Because there's no telling how much money I coulda made pimpin' her out back then.



Shifting gears a bit, I had to take some Nyqil Cough last night because I've been coughing up loogies the size of dinner plates recently and wanted a decent night's sleep for a change.

I was reading the label and it specifically says to not take the medicine if I've had a cough that lasted seven days.

That's one long assed cough! Most of mine last a few seconds at most. Can you imagine going on a job interview with a seven day-long cough?!?

INTERVIWER: "It says here on your resume that you have computer experience?"

YOU: "BLAH HA HA HA HA HUH HUH HUH OH HUH HUH BLAH HA HAAAA! BLAH HA HA HA HA HUH HUH HUH HUH HA HA BLAH BLAH HUHHHHH!"

INTERVIEWER: "Next please."

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