SIFTING THROUGH THE STACKS OF WAX

It was no problem whatsoever. I stood outside in my neighbor's front yard until the wife came out to see what the hell I was doing standing motionless in their front yard, staring through their dining room window.

I explained that I had a problem and she was the only one who could help me fix it.

I think she thought I'd be throwing her a ride on the Beefy Bob Express.

Wrong.

I told her how Susie's mom is a nutjob and wants that candy jar back.

She said "No problem", walked inside, pulled it out of the bottom of a cluttered closet and handed it back to me.

Now we wait.

Because Grandma is not talking to us right now out of anger.

So we just wait until she finally calls us and then we say "Come get your stupid fucking candy jar, you big fucking baby" and when she drives up in the driveway, we chuck it out a window at her car.

And then send her a bill for $1,100.

And then never get the money nor hear from her again.

Works for me.

And towards the end of the interview when the woman said "You're hired!" I said "I don't think I want the job".

Basically, I'd have to work every Saturday with this job and I have to keep my Saturdays open for a myriad of reasons, chief among those ... that wacky Saturday afternoon programming on VH1!!!

Kidding. My parties that I do ... Susie works every other Saturday and I don't want to hire a sitter for eight hours every other Saturday.

So I had to turn the job down.

But I walked out of there feeling good that I had impressed the woman so much that she hired me on the spot.

I had no idea they conducted business like that at McDonalds.

I bought Brian Wilson's "Smile". I don't know why. I'm not a huge Beach Boys fan. I had read glowing reviews of the disc which had been put on the shelf for 37 years because Brian basically had a nervous breakdown while recording it and thought the record was evil or some crazy wacked out shit.

It's alright, but nothing I'd listen to every day. I'm sure it'd be much better with a bong and half ounce of pot by my side. So if you're a pot smoker, you might wanna look into purchasing the disc.

R.E.M. were my favorite band throughout the 80s. I've probably told the story here before, but the first time I saw them was in a tiny club in Knoxville, Tennessee right after they had recorded their first EP (ask your mama, kids) "Chronic Town".

There were maybe 40-50 people in the club watching them. I was pretty plastered and don't remember much about the band other than thinking that they had the potential to be big stars someday.

Anyway, after that I fell in love with the band and bought every disc they ever released.

Until ... I guess it was two discs ago. I decided to quit buying their music because I just wasn't into them anymore.

I bought the new one.

And ... I dunno. Maybe it'll take time to grow on me.

Kinda like impaling myself onto a bed of nails. It sucks at first but after a while you kinda get used to it.

Ugh.

I love the old Tom Waits. One of my all-time favorite albums is "Heart Attack and Vine" which is one of the few discs that I can honestly say I like every song on it.

I was under the impression that Tom was going back to making that kinda music ... melodic songs that didn't give you a headache while you listened to them.

Wrong.

Tom's still on this kick where he likes to make unlistenable "music" with strange instruments that are usually reserved for background music at carnival freak shows.

And while I probably have 15 of Tom's CDs in my collection, this is going to join the 10 discs that I never play because they're just ... racket.

And I like racket.

Just ... not this racket.

Elvis Costello's "Almost Blue".

As you can imagine ... this is one of my top ten favorite discs ever. Probably top 5.

It's one of Elvis' least successful discs. Hell, I alone have probably chipped in for more than half its sales.

When released in 1981 or so, Elvis was renowned as a punk rocker.

This disc was all heartbreaking classic country songs.

And the fans hated it.

I hated it at first.

Then ... I had my heart broken by a certain little redhead that will remain nameless.

And in a drunken fit, I carefully put this album on my turntable and listened to the lyrics of each song.

"Why Don't You Love Me Like You Used To Do"?

"Tonight the bottle let me down ... and let your memory come around."

"You fucking redheaded bitch, who gave you permission to puree my heart?"

Okay ... the last lyric isn't included. But it was running through my head while the album played.

It's the only disc of the four that I can highly recommend, but then again, I've been listening to it faithfully for 23 years.

Hell, even my Mom likes it. I made her a copy of it a few years ago and she fell in love with it.

And if you buy it on my account and hate it ... just put it in your CD collection and wait a few years.

You'll like it eventually.

Tomorrow, more bitching and whining.

I promise.