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6:22 a.m. - 2004-11-03

TOO CLOSE TO CARE


I know that votes are still being counted in Ohio because John Kerry wants to give George Bush a dose of his own medicine.

But is it too early to say it?

Because you know me ... I hate to jump the gun on anything.

So whatta ya think? Can we go ahead and say it?

Huh?

You think it's okay??

I can go ahead and say it now??

Cool.

Okay ... here goes ....
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KUCINICH IN '08!!!

I mean ... c'mon ... KUCINICH IS FROM OHIO! You really think we'd be having a problem with the vote counting in Ohio right now if Dennis was running instead of Kerry?

Nope.

And furthermore ... the acceptance speech from Kucinich would just be awesome. He'd climb up on stage, balloons would be falling, he'd reach into his shirt pocket, whip out a big fat joint, torch it, inhale and say "Light up, America."

WHOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOO!!!

Sorry. I thought it was 1982 again.



Anyway, I hope all you dumbasses that voted for Bush are happy now.

Not a goddamned single one of you were thinking ahead on this election were you?

Because now ... all thanks to you bastards ... we're going to have to wait AT LEAST another four years before we get to see Jenna Bush naked in Playboy.

That sound you just heard was a collective "D'OH!!" and a self-administered slap on the forehead from all the Republicans who read this site.

Dumbasses.

You wouldn't listen to your old Uncle Bob, would you?

We coulda been gawking at pert little Bush titties by Valentine's Day.

But you guys just HAD to ruin it, didn't you?

Bastards.



Sooooo ... I didn't get a chance to vote yesterday.

I was too busy watching "The Price Is Right". Gosh ... that Bob Barker's a HOOT!!

Alright fine. I DID go vote.

Only stood in line for 25 minutes too, while my wife stood in line for over two hours.

I woulda been in line for only 15 minutes, had it not been for the elderly African American man in front of me.

The old guy had never voted before yesterday as he was was prone to remind us every ten fucking seconds.

Somebody asked him why he chose this election to finally get out and vote and he sheepishly admitted he didn't want P. Diddy to have to make a special trip to come to his house and murder him.

Once Gramps got in the voting booth ... which took forever because he kept trying to enter through the back of the machine and the poll workers kept trying to guide him through the curtain. Then he kept trying to go in through the side of the curtain rather than the BIG GAPING HOLE in the front.

I sighed as loud as I could to show my displeasure in America allowing this drooling pinhead the opportunity to vote.

But since he was African American, I knew he'd be voting for Kerry, so it was one of those Catch-22 things.

After five minutes of him standing quietly in the booth, I started checking my watch every few seconds and tapping my right foot loudly to let the poll workers know that I was very important and I had places to be.

For God's sakes ... "Jeopardy" was coming on in 15 minutes and I wasn't about to miss my daily dose of KenJen.

So I said loudly "Shouldn't someone check on the decaying fossil in there? I think the crazy old bastard died in there."

People weren't paying attention to me.

So I started to do my sing-songy thing that I like to do while waiting in line to use the voting booth.

"George Bush is the dehhhhhh-vulllll! George Bush is the dehhhhhh-vullllll!!"

You can't hardly kick me outta there for singing that. It's free speech baby. If this was Iraq, you could slice off my lips or whatever because ... as much as Georgie has promised he'd bring freedom to the people of Iraq ... that ain't happenin', now is it?

Finally, Grandpa peeked his head outta the curtain and then opened the curtains wide so that everyone could see how he voted.

A straight fucking Democratic ticket. All the way down.

Rather than hitting the button at the top that says "If you want to vote for EVERY SINGLE DEMOCRAT, push this button and save that game show-addicted fat-ass behind you from losing his sanity", he went down the list and took ten minutes to push each button singularly.

It took everything in my power to not karate kick the old guy in the windpipe.

Well ... not really. At my age and body shape, the old karate kick to the windpipe wouldn't make it past the guy's shin.

But you know what I mean.

So I jumped in there and made my selections in record time.

And how did I vote?

I voted for the best person for each job.

Heh ... not really.

I voted for Kerry and then I voted for whoever had the best local commercials and cool signs in local yards because that's what America's all about ... vote for the guy who spends more on his campaign because dammit ... HE'S the guy who really wants the job.

Apparently, my method of voting didn't fly this year.

Therefore ... KUCINICH IN '08!!!

BONG HITS FOR EVERYONE!!!

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