MY DAD'S PUBLIC ENEMY #1

I had a sex dream about Juliette Lewis last night.

The only problem is ... I find her sooooo unattractive.

Just my luck. I never have sex dreams anymore and when I do, it's with someone you couldn't pay me to have sex with.

Freakin' bad karma.

WIFE: (Pulling frozen peanut butter cookie dough out of a bag) "You are just determined to get me fat!"

YOU: "I think the word you're searching for is 'fatter'".

Trust me ... it's not nearly as funny when it's said out loud as it may be in your head.

Andrew and I made the six hour trek over the river and through the woods to Grandmother's house in South Carolina while Susie stayed home so she could work on Friday.

Mom had plenty of valium on hand so she wasn't nearly as neurotic as she normally is.

Tons of food. Thanksgiving is one of my least favorite holidays and definitely my MOST hated meal. Actually, I just hate dressing/stuffing and all the freakin' nasty looking casseroles that I'm encouraged to eat.

DAD: "Try it! It's Lobster Green Bean Dog Snot Casserole! You'll like it!"

ME: "No thanks."

DAD: "C'mon! Try a bite!"

ME: "I'm not that hungry. Really."

DAD: "Goddammit ... try a bite NOW!"

ME: "Dad ... I'm 42. I'm not 6. I don't want it, I'm not eating it."

DAD: "Goddamned kids."

(See where I get it?)

"I don't want to go to prison," he reaffirmed me.

"You're not going to prison for this," I groaned. "Millions of people do it, hundreds get busted and have to pay fines. Nobody's gone to prison for downloading a Tennessee Ernie Ford song, Dad. Chill."

"Before you leave, I want this program off my computer," he warned me. "I will NOT have this on my computer."

Yep. That was the song he was singing.

...UNTIL he had accumulated about 225 songs on his hard drive of all his and Mom's favorite tunes.

And then it was all ... "How do I put these on CD?"

We couldn't find a CD burner anywhere on his computer. Scratch that. He couldn't find one. He would barely let me touch the keyboard since I wouldn't eat his Dog Shit Casserole.

(Wonder how many Google hits I'll get for Dog Shit Casserole? Anybody??)

He did have Music Match Jukebox on his hard drive so I showed him how to burn CDs with that.

He wanted the Burner Plus program that you have to pay for at Music Match.

So he whipped out the credit card and I hooked him up.

From that point on ... Dad spent the next two days making CDs for Mom.

I showed him how to find funny images under Google Image Search and you'd have thought he'd died and gone to Heaven.

Every time I left his office, I'd sit down to talk with the rest of the family and he'd scream "Uncle Bob! C'mere and look at this one!!" like a little kid.

Christ. Even Andrew's not that demanding.

He called me last night because he couldn't figure out how to make the computer understand that he was using 80 minute CDs and not 74 minute CDs because it kept telling him he only had enough room for 74 minutes of music.

I tried to help him, but truth be told, I'm about as computer illiterate as a dead penguin so I was of little help.

So now I'm my Dad's own personal Computer Support man because "those bastards" at Dell won't answer the phone.

Thank God for Caller ID.