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7:23 a.m. - 2004-12-01

I'M SUCH A BOOB


So.

I accidentally walked in on a woman getting a mammogram yesterday.

Yeah.

THAT'S an uncomfortable situation to be in, lemme tell ya.

I stopped at a doctor's office to pick up gallons of piss and as usual, I walked through the waiting room, threw open the door to the back and marched in there like I owned the place.

A nurse sitting near the door was talking on the phone and held up one finger at me as if to say "Hold on a second."

I figured "Okay. The nurse wants to tell me something when she gets off the phone. I've got a minute. I can wait."

So I step into this room near her in order to maneuver myself out of this crowded hallway.

Honestly.

I had NO IDEA this is where they did the titty torture.

It's dark in there and I happen to look over and there's an elderly woman facing a big metal machine with her gown pulled down off of her shoulders.

I'm not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but even I could figure out that I had just walked in to a particularly personal moment.

There were plenty of things I could say at that moment:

"Is this the line for ice cream? Oh. Jeez. I guess not."

"Mmmmmm ... pancakes!! I want one!"

"Nice squished tit there, Granny."

"Jeez doc ... are you TRYING to get the nipple to pop off?"

"I hope that machine bought you dinner first."

"Sorry I'm late ... what'd I miss?"

You get the idea.

So it dawned on me that the nurse holding up the finger on the phone was actually trying to convey the message: "Stand right there and don't make a move because we've got a woman in her 80s about three feet from you getting her tit squeezed and it's probably something you'd rather not see."

I did the noble thing though.

I walked back out of the room like I was recovering from a bout of temporary insanity, grabbed two sacks of piss and hauled ass out the door, redfaced and shocked.

Hopefully Grandma thought I was a doctor or something and wasn't too embarrassed to have her saggy boobles on display for me.

Out in the parking lot, I saw an old man sitting in his car.

I figured this was the lady's husband.

The first thing I thought was that they've probably been married 60 years and I had just seen his wife in a position that he had never seen her in.

And I can honestly say that while I always thought I was a guy who would never turn down the chance to gawk at an actual naked female breast ... I apparently have my limitations.

Wrinkled and smooshed?

Put me in the "No thanks" column on that one.

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