MY SCHNITZEL IS SHITZEL

Sorry. I was trying to make my life sound as exciting as The Sopranos. Actually, Dad went over there to help the military build some engine that never got off the ground which was no fault of my father's.

Anyway, I went to 7th grade at Baumholder American High School.

Right across the street from the school was a Schnell Imbiss which is German for "Fast Snack".

The Schnell Imbiss was a small trailer which served candy, chips, wiener schnitzels and pommes frites.

I could be all hoity-toity and pretend that only imbeciles don't know what wiener schnitzels and pommes frites are, but I won't. We're talking fried veal and french fries.

My God ... how I loved that fried veal. Each succulent bite tasted like a small calf forced to live its short life in a box for my own personal enjoyment.

It has been almost 30 years since I tasted that most favorite of fried snacks.

...Until last night.

Yes, I found a recipe for wiener schnitzel on the web last week and told Susie that she was about to taste the most incredible dish known to man and even some women.

Susie kept reading her magazine and flipped me off because being married to me is no consolation prize.

Sunday, I went to my local grocery store (now with more rats!) and purchased one pound of veal.

Veal's expensive.

Something like $15 a pound.

I came home, put that veal in the freezer and counted the days until Wednesday ... when I was to prepare for the very first time the one dish that made my heart smile and my arteries clog as a child.

Yesterday, the day arrived.

I took the veal out of the freezer and let it thaw in the fridge.

Around 3:00 or so in the afternoon, I came home and marinated the veal in fresh lemon juice, just like the recipe called for.

The veal was supposed to marinate for one hour.

I figured I could make it back home by 4:30, so 90 minutes wouldn't really hurt it.

I got back to the office at 4:15 and the boss came to me.

"Can you stay late today and help them out in the back?" he asked.

I've been on the job for one month.

General rule of thumb says that if you're the new boy and you're asked to stay late, you stay late to show that you're a team player. That way, come raise time, you may get that big quarter an hour raise you've been dreaming of.

I agreed to stay until 5:00.

And thought to myself "the veal will be fine."

I was asked to stay a little longer.

I cringed and then said "Gosh, I sure hope my veal is okay!"

Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

You know ... trying to lighten the mood up because when you've got everyone standing around holding bags o' piss, the mood needs to be lightened up, even if it means blathering about veal.

Bottom line, I got home at 7:00.

Susie had just gotten home herself and was salivating for this dish that I had been talking non-stop about for four days.

I pulled the marinating veal out of the fridge.

It had turned purplish gray.

It started pinkish-red.

Now it looked like bruised, spoiled meat.

Did I let this deter me, oh gentle reader?

Nope. I forged ahead and battered that meat.

I deep fried that meat.

I took a bite of that meat.

And I almost vomited.

This had to be the absolute worst piece of shit I've stuck in my mouth since that drunken night with Myrtle the pathetic drunk woman who used to hang out in one of the bars I would frequent back in the 80s which is another story for another time. Preferably my death bed.

It was horrible.

Susie, ever the trooper, said it didn't taste all that bad and cleaned her plate.

She had nothing to compare it to. If you've never eaten cat shit or steak in your life and somebody puts cat shit on a plate and tells you it's steak, you're going to say that steak's not that bad.

My childhood memories were destroyed of this tasty veal treat.

Now then ... here's the five things my pathetic wiener schnitzel tasted like.

5) Dirty shit-stained leather soaked in lemon juice for 30 days.
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4) A live raccoon's face.
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3)The bottom of the dumpster at an animal clinic.
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2) Weight Watcher's lasagna.
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1)Rodney Dangerfield's decomposing severed rectum complete with crispy dead ass crack hair.