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6:36 a.m. - 2004-12-17

THE DAILY CRACKHEAD NEWS


I am going to share a secret with you today that could change your life forever.

Or it could merely amuse you for a minute and then you'll forget about it. The end result is totally up to you.

When going on a job interview, the best way to get the job is to already have a job that you're happy at.

Huh??

Do you feel your life changing already?

So yeah ... anyway ... I went on this job interview yesterday.

The job is in a building that is right in the middle of the housing projects in the most ghetto of ghettos.

The kind of place where kids receive handguns and a 40 oz. of Colt 45 for their 5th birthday from friends of their estranged daddy who woulda been there but he's in prison doing time for grand larceny.

The kind of place where kids are encouraged to do something with their lives ... sell high quality crack. Not that cheap homemade shit.

Anyway, I get there and step over the broken beer bottles and sleeping crack whores on the sidewalk to enter the building.

Two people are conducting the interview. An old man with a diamond earring and a nicely dressed woman.

Just picture Morgan Freeman and Weezie Jefferson.

They asked me to tell them about myself and I just f'n BABBLED.

I told 'em everything I could think of. I talked for ten minutes.

At the end of my lengthy monologue, they both sat back and said "We have no more questions. You covered everything."

I scraped the drying blood from the crack whore on the sidewalk off my shoe and grinned.

Weezie then took me around the office and introduced me to everyone saying "Here's who you'll be working with ... IF you get hired!" and winking at me when she said "IF".

She showed me my "office" which looked like a broom closet with a desk squeezed in and introduced it by saying "This is your office."

Now ... if this woman didn't want to tip her hat, she would have said "This is the office where the candidate would work."

Not "Here's your office, New Boy!"

Basically ... if I don't get the job, I would be shocked.

Now ... here's the twist ... this is right up there with "Bruce Willis was dead the entire movie".

...I don't want the job.

I'm happy where I'm at with the exception of the fact that I'm putting El Shitloads of Miles on the cars.

This job requires me to work in a housing project, dealing with irritated housing project dwellers all day long. Sorry, but my ass doesn't want to be shot because somebody's baby's daddy left her high and dry with the $80 mortgage payments and I have to break the bad news that she's gotta go back out on the skreets.

But now I've got these people all excited about me coming on board ... to a ship that I have no interest in stepping foot on.

So here's what I'm going to do ... price myself wayyyy out of their price range.

That way they'll be all "We can't go that high" and I can be all "Well then ... find some other sucker to work with the crackheaded mofos."

And we go our separate ways.

Works for me.



I've got a Santa Claus gig tomorrow morning at 8 a.m.

I'll try to get some pics of me holding nervous, crying children in my lap for your amusement.

In the meantime, I've got to get a Christmas CD together to play during the gig.

So ... adios to you, my friend.

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