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5:44 a.m. - 2004-12-22

UNCLE B GOTS YO' HOOK-UP, G


LAST THURSDAY

I'm at the club and I open the night up with Ray Charles' "Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer" because it's one of the coolest Christmas songs ever next to Barenaked Ladies' "Jingle Bells" which may not be as cool but is currently my favorite Christmas song ever.

I walk to the bar to get my pitcher of water that I drink every night.

A customer at the bar is impressed with my playing Ray Charles and asks if I've seen the movie "Ray".

I have not.

"It's a great movie," he says. "I have it in my car."

Huh? "Ray" is still in the theaters.

"I don't even want to ask," I smile.

"I have my sources," he grins.


SATURDAY MORNING

Pervy and his brother, the Sissy Boy are over at the house.

"Uncle Bob," Pervy says. "Have you seen 'The Grudge'?"

"No," I say. "I'm going to wait for it to come out on DVD."

"I have it on DVD already," he says.

Huh? "The Grudge" is still in theaters.

"How do you already have it on DVD?" I asked.

"I have my sources," he grinned.


MONDAY AFTERNOON
One of the nurses at work is talking about all the new movies that she's seen recently ... on DVD.

Finally, I had to know ... who the hell is HER source?

"I can't say," she said. "You're not supposed to tell people. But if you want a new movie on DVD, it's $10."

I've probably never told you guys, but "Skeptical" is my middle name. "Uncle Skeptical Bob" is printed on my birth certificate.

So I told her I'd get back with her on it.



YESTERDAY
(Is the tension built up enough yet?)

I make a trip down to the podunk country town in the middle of nowhere to pick up several vials of piss.

Not for my own consumption.

I pass a little hand-written sign on neon posterboard that says "CDs & DVDs".

Hmmmmm.

Could it be??

I swing into the little gravel parking lot and walk over to the tables under the flimsy tent this guy has set up in the middle of nowhere.

There on a table were the DVDs.

"The Incredibles". "Ray". "Team America: World Police". "National Treasure". "Oceans' Twelve".

Ladies and gents ... I had found MY source.

"How much are your DVDs?" I asked the guy.

"Ten dollars," he said, flashing a smile full of gold teeth.

I browsed through the selections and found the holy grail that Susie's been nagging me to go see for the last four weeks.

"The Polar Express".

"Do these look any good?" I asked.

"They look GREAT!" Captain Goldteeth laughed. "Wanna see one?"

Sure.

He loaded up "The Polar Express" into a tiny DVD player and pushed "play".

Now granted ... the sun was beating down on the screen and I was having to listen to the soundtrack on some pretty cheap headphones.

But I could see it and hear it.

"Where do you get these DVDs?" I asked.

The guy was a bit hesitant and the big gold teeth grin disappeared.

"I've got my sources," he grunted.

I stood there and grappled with my inner demons which currently answer to the names "Spendthrifty Idiot" and "Impulse Buying Fool".

"Do you take credit cards?" I asked.

He grinned again and spread his arms out to his sides as if to say "Take a look around, Idiot. Does it LOOK like I take credit cards??"

"Is there any kind of guarantee on these?" I asked.

I could tell he wanted to say "I guarantee you'll get a cap popped in yo' ass if you keep asking questions" but instead he just said "No".

I bought "The Polar Express".

I drove back to town, all excited because now I was coooool.

Finally, Uncle B had da hook-up,yo.

I got back to the doctor's office and proudly showed off my street cred in the form of a bootleg G-rated DVD.

The white guy I work with marvelled at my find and had newfound respect for my jive-ass.

The black girl was equally impressed which made me feel good because -- if anything -- when the black community accepts you for your cunning methods of obtaining illegal kids' DVDs ... you're as good as gangsta in their eyes.

Naturally, the first thing they both wanted to know was where I got it.

And naturally ... I have learned to protect my sources.

"I've got my sources," I said with a wink.

They've both already supplied me with a list of boots (the street term for bootleg DVDs, yo) that they want. I sniffed when they handed me the list and did my best DeNiro impression.

"I'll see what I can do," I said, as if I were granting a favor from the Mafia.



So last night, Andrew and I watched a bit of the DVD.

It's not bad.

I think it was a pretty odd decision for Tom Hanks to make a movie that cuts off the top third of the screen for the entire duration of the film.

But other than that ... not bad.



Also watched "Napoleon Dynamite" last night.

I love movies about nerds. One of my all time faves is, of course, "Welcome To The Dollhouse".

Napoleon can't hold a candle to Dollhouse, but it had its moments.

Especially when Napoleon does his "skit" toward the end of the film.

Go out and rent it today.

This is Roger "Thug Life" Ebert signing off.


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