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6:04 a.m. - 2004-12-24

IT'S A VIRTUAL NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS


It's unfortunate that you cannot be with my family for Christmas this year. We were really counting on waking up with you in your jammies, hair all amuss and breath so bad you could make a polecat scream.

(I'm not exactly sure what a polecat is, but I feel confident that it probably has some pretty rank breath.)

Therefore, I am going to share with you in photos stolen off the web, our Christmas gifts.

This could very well be the most boring entry I've ever posted.

We'll start with Andrew and everything he's getting.

Now, the only things he's been asking Santa for are:

A) Thomas Trains
B) A Bug Video
C) Harold The Helicopter

So here's some of the Thomas Trains he's getting although they're not exactly trains.

That's Bulgy the Bus. Bulgy is mean and doesn't like trains. Bulgy carries chickens with him wherever he goes. Sounds like some kinda weird bus/chicken fetish to me.

That's Jack. I've never seen him in a single Thomas video. The problem with Santa bringing Thomas Trains is that Andrew already has all of the Thomas Trains. It's not like I can drop an email to the Thomas people and say "Come up with more trains, goddammit. My son needs a Christmas gift." So instead of trains, Andrew gets the cars that go with the trains. Cry me a river, bitch ... that's all Target had.

He will also be getting this:

That's Harold the Helicopter, one of the few things Andrew asked for by name that he's getting. I've purposely refrained from buying Harold all year long because ... well ... he's a helicopter and all the other Thomas friends are trains. He's like the one white member of the South Compton Crips.

The coup de grace (throw some apostrophes in there to make it French) of the Thomas junk is this:

This is the Harold the Helicopter Heliport or some crazy assed shit. I forget the actual name. There's a remote control there that actually flies an oversized Harold around the thing. Yeah. That's a big f'n "whee" right there.

As far as the "bug video" goes, I thought that meant "Baby Einstein" videos because each video starts with a computerized bug that gets Andrew all excited.

Andrew has actually past the age where Baby Einstein videos are effective in his mental growth. But damn if the kid doesn't still love them. Kinda like how grown men still find The Three Stooges funny. You're not supposed to, but you do.

So he got the last two Baby Einstein videos that he doesn't own. I've never bought them for him because frankly, he already knew everything the videos teach.

This one teaches him how to count to five. The kid can now count past 100 so this won't do him much good. But it does teach him to count to five in seven different languages. So who knows?

This one teaches him the names for the different parts of his body. The kid can point out his prostate by now so once again ... it's ineffective.

But Santa's there to make dreams come true ... right?

After Monday's horrific trip to the dentist which ended in Andrew's first bare bottom spanking in public ... Andrew got a vacuum cleaner since his chance to play with one at the dentist's office was thwarted by me.

While it's not the same vacuum as the one in the dentist office, this is an exact replica of the vacuum we already have.

Let me reiterate ... Andrew is scared shitless of our vacuum cleaner.

I'm not sure how well this present will fly. It makes an "authentic motorized sound" and lights up and everything. I'm honestly hoping it gets him over his fear of vacuum cleaners, but I'm not holding out hope.

I'm hoping that he starts hitting this thing and not his parents. I have no idea if he hits other kids at school. I'm honestly afraid to ask his teachers. I'm hedging to bet that if he is walloping the crap out of the other kids, the teachers would let us know. So far they haven't said anything. Then again, Andrew may have threatened them with bodily harm if they make a peep. Regardless, he can beat the shit out of this toy now, who actually talks as he's punching him. He says things like "Ow! That hurt!" and "Goddammit kid! Take it easy, you little orphan fuck!"

This is, of course, the one present that I feel most proud of getting ... the VTech Learning System Thing. Don't do a Google for that, because it's not the actual name but at 6 am, I'm hardly able to remember the real name. Like the Baby Einstein videos, I get the feeling that he's a little too smart for this thing, but I'm hoping I'm wrong. I'd be pleasantly surprised if the kid actually learned anything from it.

He's also getting these cartridges for the game:

He's getting this because every kid in the free world has it:

Plus it's the only movie he's seen in the theater besides Jungle Book 2 which we left 30 minutes into the film.


There's also this:

It's some kinda spider Hot Wheels thing. I dunno what it does. I got it cheap at Big Lots. We'll figure out what it does when we open it.

And then there's this:

His own set of corporate stooges who cater to his every whim.

Actually, he's getting a dry erase board which has got to be the most insane gift for a four year-old, but the kid LOVES these things that he can draw on and then erase.

He's getting a HUGE one, bigger than your average bulletin board. We're going to hang it up in his playroom so he can draw on it for days on end.

...And draw all over the walls as well, as my wife is quick to point out.

Eh. That's what paint's for.

He's getting other things, like stocking stuffers and books and more Thomas trains that I couldn't find photos of.

Plus there's two more Hot Wheels sets that I think we're going to hold off on giving him because we don't want overkill on Christmas morning.

Oh! And since he's back on his Buzz Lightyear kick, I'm giving him the original Buzz Lightyear doll from "Toy Story" that we bought about ten years ago when we were collecting toys.

Since then, there have been several other Buzz toys produced, but this is the first ones that came off the line back in whenever the first movie was released.

I figure it's probably not worth much money and plus ... hey ... what's the use of buying thousands of toys when we have no plans on ever opening up our vintage toy shop in 30 years? Just give it to the kid and be done with it.


The wife is getting this that I showed you yesterday.

It changes colors and plays soothing music. More than anything, I bought it for Andrew to help him go to sleep at night, but I'm giving it to the wife because we both agreed that Andrew's gotten way too much stuff this year.

And she's getting one of these:

It's a massage pillow which all the ladies in Linens and Things were snatching up quicker than they could be put on the floor. I figured they were a hot item and scarfed one up. I came home and put batteries in it and seriously ... it's no big deal.

I'm now wondering if maybe it's to be used as some sort of sexual device as I remember catching my little sister making sweet sweet love to the couch cushions back when she was four.

You ladies and your obsessions with tingling the naughty parts!

I also bought Susie this:

She finally agreed that one of her biggest faults is that she has never learned how to manage her time wisely.

She's constantly late for everything which boggles my mind.

If she says she'll be home by 6 at night, you can count on her being home at 7:30. It's like clockwork. Really shoddy clockwork, but clockwork nonetheless.

Hopefully she won't be offended by the book. I really want her to learn how to manage her time better both at home and at work. I think it'd help her if she'd just read it.

But I know her.

She'll tell me she "doesn't have the time" to read the book.

Dammit!

That's why she needs to read it in the first place!!

GRRRRRR!!!



And finally, here's what I'm getting for Christmas.

That's right ... shit.

Actually, I bought myself "Napoleon Dynamite" and "Shaun of the Dead" yesterday on DVD.

Plus I'm getting Seinfeld's Season 3 collection.

And my nephew who drew my name in the family draw-name-Christmas-thing sent me something from Williams Sonoma which I'm guessing is new Barbecue tools like a basting brush and stuff.

So it won't be so bad.

Anyway, you'll get actual photos of Andrew opening some of these gifts by Monday.

Lucky you indeed.

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